Parenting Blog

“When we do things that are controlling, whether intentional or not, we are not going to get the long-term outcomes we all want for our kids.”" -- Alfie Kohn

Today we're exploring the 7th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person in 2010:

Commit to guidance rather than punishment. 

What kind of kid do you want to raise?  Happy, responsible, considerate, respectful, honest -- whether 6 or 16? Your chances of that go way up if you never punish your child. That means no spanking, no timeouts, no yelling, no contrived consequences. Really. No punishment.

The dirty little secret about punishment is that it doesn't help kids learn to behave. Studies show that ALL punishment makes kids feel worse about themselves and act worse. If punishment helped kids become more self disciplined and behave better, you'd only have to do it once. Punishment is also associated with lying. Kids who aren't punished don't lie to their parents, because they don't need to -- and the relationship is too important to them.

So why do we punish? We think we should. It alleviates our own frustration. It makes us feel less powerless. We're afraid we don't have any other way to coax good behavior out of our kids.

But children who are guided (which is what the word discipline means) and treated respectfully are better behaved and happier.  Yes, of course, there are expectations for behavior.  But no need to punish. These kids WANT to behave.

So how can you help kids behave without punishment?

1. Lead by loving example.  That means managing your own unruly emotions and speaking respectfully to your child.

2. Stay connected, even while you guide, so your child wants to please you. When they feel they can't please us, kids harden their hearts to us. So set limits, but set them with empathy: “You’re mad and sad, but we don’t hit.  Let’s use your words to tell your brother how you feel."

4. Address the needs that are motivating the misbehavior.

5. Remember that children misbehave when they feel bad about themselves and disconnected from us. If your child ignores your guidance, it means your relationship isn't strong enough to support the teaching. Back off and focus on rebuilding a close relationship.

6. Redirect pre-emptively rather than punish (“We don't throw balls in the house. You can throw the ball outside”).

7. Help your child learn to manage his own emotions.

8. Remember that kids need to feel like they can be themselves and still be loved. Being themselves means being age-appropriate, which always includes asserting some control over their own lives. Stick to your guns on what's most important, which is the way your child treats others, but give where you can, and always give choices.

9. Model "win-win" problem solving. You can always find a solution that everyone can live with.

10. Resist the urge to make your child wrong. You're the grown up. You have nothing to prove.  But you do have a responsibility to be the guide through this territory of life, which means modeling maturity and compassion.

Sound hard? I'm afraid it is. The catch is obvious: The parent has to be the one who changes first. We can't indulge in blame and punishment, we have to be more patient, we have to work with our child to solve problems and get everyone's needs met. But the payoff is huge. Because once we change, our child changes.

May your day be filled with miracles, large and small.

P.S. All the links above will help you put these ideas into practice. For more support, please join me on my next teleseminar, where I'll be answering questions about how to make all this work at your house!