Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura -- You say that all emotion comes from our thoughts, so that we can change our thoughts and therefore change our emotions.  But you’ve also written that we need to acknowledge our emotions and "feel" them, rather than ignore or stuff them. I’m confused." -- Corinne

The simple answer is that there's a difference between honoring our feelings -- and preventing them.  Once we’re feeling an emotion, we have no choice except to breathe our way through it without taking action.  That's how we release feelings and move beyond them.

But many of us find that we’re repeatedly swamped with upsetting feelings.  Sure, we can spend all of our time breathing through them and releasing, but there’s another way – go to the source.  And the source of an emotion is always a thought (sometimes known as a belief, viewpoint, or conclusion).

So while we have no choice but to honor the emotions we’re already feeling, we can completely sidestep many upsetting emotions just by noticing the thought that’s giving rise to our emotions.

• "My son should love his brother. In our house people don't get mad at each other."
• "My toddler has constant tantrums and it's so embarrassing. I know people think I'm a bad mother.”
• My kid would lose his head if it weren't glued on. Maybe a better punishment would motivate him to remember."
• "I'm a terrible mother."

Once you start paying attention to your thinking, you'll be amazed at how many of the thoughts that show up in your mind are negative, especially regarding your child.  And how many of your conclusions aren't even true.

The following thoughts are just as true.  Notice how much better they make you feel:

• "Everybody gets mad sometimes, even at people they love.  It’s normal for kids to squabble.  Where’s that book on sibling rivalry so I can give the boys some help with their feelings?”
• "I refuse to be embarrassed by a tantrum. Every parent has lived through this and they’re all sympathizing with me right now.”
• "He does seem to be forgetting things a lot. Is he overwhelmed?  Does he need a better system that I can help him develop so he’ll remember?"
• "I'm doing the best I can. Two steps forward, one step back still takes me in the right direction. I am more than enough. I love my kids and I'm learning all the time how to love them better."

Did you know there are parents who stay totally calm in the face of things that drive you crazy?  That's because their minds are reassuring them, instead of upsetting them.  Which makes it a lot easier to find constructive solutions! As Anais Nin said, "We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are."

Why give negative thoughts the power to send you into a downward spiral?  Just change your mind.