Parenting Blog

"Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child. Play, with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful Parenting is a way to enter a child's world, on the child's terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and connection." -- Lawrence Cohen,  Playful Parenting*

Kids are more physical than adults. When they get wound up emotionally, their bodies need to discharge all that energy.  That's one of the reasons they have so much more energy than we do, so they wear us out.

But we can use this to our advantage, because when we play physical games with children, they giggle and sweat and scream -- and they release the same pent-up stress hormones that they'd otherwise have to tantrum to discharge. Playing is also how kids learn, so when you "teach" an emotional lesson by playing, your child really gets it.  Best of all, playing helps parents and kids feel closer.

I realize that at the end of the day you might be exhausted. I personally would much rather snuggle on the couch than initiate an active game.  The good news is that these games don't have to last long -- maybe 10 minutes at most, or even as little as 2 minutes.

And believe it or not, most parents find them energizing.  That's because the tension and irritation we carry around makes us tired.  When we play, we discharge stress hormones just like our kids, giving us a little more energy as we head into the evening.

Want some ideas?

When your child is annoying, or in your face. "Are you out of hugs again?  Let's do something about that!"  Grab your child and give her a LONG hug -- as long as you can. Don't loosen your grip until she begins to squirm and then don't let go immediately.  Hug harder and say "I LOVE hugging you! I never want to let go.  Promise I can hug you again soon?"  Then let go and connect with a big, warm smile, and say "Thank you! I needed that!"

A more intensive version, for when a child has a new sibling, or you've been doing a lot of disciplining.  Convince your child on a very deep level that you LOVE him by chasing him, hugging, kissing, then letting him get away and repeating -- again and again. "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...." This is my favorite game, guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved (and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). (From a parent: "I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)"

A stepped-up version involving both parents.  Fight over your child (jokingly), vying to see who can snatch him up and hug him.  "I want him!'  No, I want him!"  "But I NEED him so much!"  No, I need him!"

To a child who is getting over-excited or too revved up: "You have so much energy right now.  What can we do with all this energy?  Do you want to spin around? Come over here (or outside) with me where it's safe to spin around, and I'll spot you."  Find a safe place where no other kids or parents are there to further stimulate him, and let him spin around, or jump up and down, or run in circles around you -- whatever he chooses. When he drops in exhaustion, snuggle him and say "It's so much fun to be excited.  But sometimes you get over-excited and you need a little help to calm down.  Now, let's take three deep breaths to relax.  In through the nose, out through the mouth. 1.....2......3......Good!  Do you feel a little calmer?  It's good to know how to calm yourself down. Now, let's go snuggle by ourselves and read a book for a bit."

When you and your child seem to be having a lot of power struggles.  Give your child the chance to be the more powerful one and to outsmart and over power a terrible monster -- You!  Swagger and strut and roar at your child about how you will catch him and show him who's boss....but when you chase him, always trip and bumble and let him outsmart you or over-power you and get away.  Acknowledge your child's formidable power: “You are so strong! You pushed me right over!”

When your child is super-clingy or has been experiencing separation anxiety.  Cling to your child, being super-exaggerated and silly. "I know you want me to let go so you can go play, but I NEED you!  I only want to be with you.  PLEASE be with me now?"  Keep holding your child's hand or clinging to her dress.  She will like the feeling that SHE is the one in charge of letting go, rather than feeling pushed away.  If you act silly enough, she will also giggle and let off some of the tension around good byes. When she definitively pushes you away, say, "It's ok.  I know you will come back. We always come back to each other."

When your child goes through a stage of only wanting Mommy (or Daddy). Let the preferred parent sit on the couch.  Get between your child and that parent, and boast "You can't get to Mommy!   You are all mine! Only I get to be with you! I will keep you from getting to Mommy!"  As he tries to get to Mommy, grab at him, but bumble and be unsuccessful.  When he reaches Mommy, she laughs and hugs him and then lets him go.  You lament that he got through, but continue to boast and challenge him and try to grab him.  Exaggerate your boasting.  "You can't push around me to get to Mommy!"  and then bumble and let him push past you.  He should giggle and giggle, which means that he is releasing his fears and anxieties.

To reconnect (and release aggression when you and your child have been having a hard time).  Start a pillow fight, or a snowball fight, or a wrestling game in which you take each other’s socks off (an excuse for hugs).  Always let your child win.  Kids need to rough house.  You might even find you like it too!

*These are games I often recommend to parents, and while I have adapted them over the years, I didn't invent them.  Some originated from the rich tradition of play therapy; some were inspired by the work of Lawrence Cohen, who wrote the book Playful Parenting. For more ideas on using play to connect with kids and help them resolve challenges, I highly recommend Cohen's work.