Parenting Blog

Two days ago I ran a note from Lindsey and asked you to share your parenting stories to make her day.  The response (in the form of blog comments, Facebook posts and replies direct to my email inbox) has been a torrent of encouragement for Lindsey and for all of us, an affirmation that YES, Love actually works.

Over and over, eight essential themes kept repeating.  I want to share them with you. 

1. This is the hardest work there is. We all struggle to choose love in our interactions with our children, usually on a daily basis. No one is perfect--and we don't need to be.  If we can apologize to our child and re-connect, we're still headed in the right direction.

One of the things that really stood out for me (and we all have to remember), is that almost every parent admitted to not being perfect; having good days and bad days; great moments and sucky moments. this is so important: as long as we are moving in the right direction with our mindfulness and taking action to be more gentle and empathic, continual improvement is all we need.

I can do this if I take it one day at a time, sometimes one hr. at a time, one moment at a time. If I break it down like that it's so much more manageable. It's hard to change habits, and it doesn't happen overnight.

I am not perfect,  I do have some times were I still make mistakes, but my kids know that mistakes are just learning opportunities and we are all able to recover quickly and reconnect.

Difficult times, including those in which I may not have parented as I would have liked, can actually create very productive conversations after the fact. You have taught me that I should never expect perfection from myself. Thank you for teaching me to forgive myself. This has truly liberated me to think of myself as a good parent... thereby leading me to make better and more loving parenting decisions!

I'm certainly not perfect, but Dr. Laura gives us permission to be imperfect and try again. If someone has acted less than their best, we can always 'do over' - and that includes me.

2. Emotion is part of being human. Parenting through connection does not mean we ignore our own hurts or that we become inauthentic with our child.  We can be honest with our children about our feelings, without making it their fault or attacking them. Children learn from watching us role model how to manage difficult emotions--including apologies.

I was determined to not yell, but I didn't know what to do instead so I've been plastering a smile on my face every day and sneaking off to another room so my 2-year-old son wouldn't see me cry every time I break down. I had my "aha parenting" moment a few weeks ago when I finally yelled out in anguish, "I can't take it any more! I just need you to lay down so I can put a diaper on you!!" He just laid down with a look that said, "Gee, I didn't realize it was so important to you." Then I realized that just plastering a smile on my face wasn't getting the point across. My son needs to see all of my emotions, not just the happy ones, to understand me and to understand how emotions work. I wasn't being honest with him or myself. I've learned so much from your emails about how to interact positively with my son instead of having just "not yelling" as my only parenting tool. Now I can be firm without being angry and find humor in just about everything he does because I'm not tied up in a need to control his actions. 

Sometimes, I still run out of patience and have to apologize.  My son now apologizes to me too when he runs out of patience and explains to me that he was just frustrated but didn’t mean it.

 The best part about it is that you don't have to be perfect. You have to be real, honest and able to say you were wrong. Instead of creating blow up moments in your day you are creating connections, loving times and sharing your real emotions with your children. These real moments teach our children how to be the best they can be, not perfect, just real.

3. Keeping our own cups full, getting enough sleep, and de-stressing gives us so much more to work with.

The turning point for me was when Dr. Markham talked about parenting with your own cup full. If we enter the day empty, we have nothing to give to our children. Finding ways to refresh my energy is vital so I get up at 6am every morning and go for a walk by myself. It helps me energize and focus so I'm ready to meet the day and the needs of my children.

Parenting is hard and even harder with lack of sleep and/or the stress from the world.

I realize now that I needed to take better care of myself, create some good boundaries, and do some "heart" work to fix some of the parenting ideas I'd been given by my parents.  Once you become fully aware of your own needs, it makes it much much easier to meet others'.

It definitely helps to be well rested and to slow life down as much as possible. When we don't have to rush everywhere he has time to explore everything he wants/needs to and I can enjoy watching him see the world for the first time.

4.  When we see things from our child's perspective and empathize, we make life so much easier--and parenting more rewarding.

Just yesterday I was warning my almost 6-year-old that it was almost time to go to his afternoon activity, and there wasn't much time to play with a great new creation.  He overflowed with anger and lashed out to punch me (this used to happen often, but less and less all the time).  I said, taking hold of his hands, "Wow, you are really angry.  This makes you so mad you want to hit me.  It's okay to be mad, but it's not okay to hit me."  He crumpled into tears and I continued to validate, "You came up with a really great idea, I can see you are super excited about it, and you really want to try it.  There will be some time when we get home tonight to play for a while.  And tomorrow afterschool we have nowhere to go, you can play all afternoon."  He was more calm, but not convinced.  I tried not to look at the clock and worry about how we were going to get out the door.  Then I said cheerfully, "I have an idea - how about if you put on your shoes and coat [usually a major challenge], and you can play for *5* minutes while I get your brother dressed and load the car?"  That was enough to get him going, and he was able to stick to the limit, and we got to our activity on time.  I'm sure that if I had submitted to my own anger, it would have been a terrible battle, and we might never have made it!

My four-year-old son sometimes bursts into tears (with yelling) over seemingly ridiculous things.  Last weekend, my son started crying and screaming at me over something I can’t even remember now.   I took a deep breath and resisted the urge to make him be respectful towards me and to basically tell him to get over it (my past usual reaction).  I held him on my lap and let him cry.  I told him I understood why he wanted to do that and that it was hard not to be allowed to do things you want to do and that I bet he would do that all day long when he got bigger.  He cried for maybe one minute, got up and said, “Okay, I’m done.  Let’s go to the park! In the past, these incidents would turn into major battles and end in my feeling exhausted and like a horrible parent because I didn’t have the patience I needed. 

My son was banging his head on the ground or against my husband or me during tantrums. We followed exactly what you outlined in your article on an 18-month-old boy doing the same things. Following your advice has meant our son rarely has tantrums anymore, and when he does, we always react with compassion and love and give him words for his feelings while we hold him. The tantrum quickly dissipates. He neither hits his head nor us during tantrums anymore.

Just today: We were driving home from the park. I had forgotten to bring a snack with us so my four year old son was tired and hungry. He started to say that he wanted to go a restaurant for dinner. Then he started to whine. Then he started to scream. I could feel my patience wearing thin as i was tired and hungry too.  but i managed to stay calm and say soothing things like, i know you really want to eat at that restaurant for dinner.  you're sad.  you're yelling. now you're crying.  you really really want to go there for dinner.  we got home and i felt immediate pressure to start the dinner we were both hungry for but instead, i sat with him in the car and told him i'd hold him as long as he wanted.  funny thing was, it didn't take that long.  he cried and then let out a big sigh and said, i really did want to go to that restaurant and i was crying so much about it.  miraculously (or so it seemed to me) we were able to move into the house and get dinner started and i felt pretty connected to him throughout.  the whole evening went well actually. 

There are so many moments over the past 6-8 months that I have been implementing this approach in our family that have blown my mind in how fantastic they work and how quickly the connection has been restored for our family. It is really hard to chose one...but I think one of the most profound for me was when we were at the park one evening. I never take phone calls at the park (my boys immediately take it as a signal to act out) but I was waiting to hear back from a doctor about something and it was an urgent call. The phone rang very soon after we got to the park. My older son (who is 4) was playing on the swings, there were a lot of other kids around and the park was rather chaotic which is a challenge for him anyway. I was on the phone for less than 5 min. but it was enough time for my son to get really worked up about it. Just as I was about to get off the phone he came over to me with a HUGE stick and was lifting it in the air and playing very rough and unsafe with it. He started jabbing it towards me and I immediately got off the phone. There were plenty of parents around checking out what I was going to do about this situation. Something clicked in me, I was able to stay ahead of my emotions, realize that my son was wanting to play with me at the park and didn't like that I was on the phone. So, I held the stick away from us so it wouldn't hurt us. I told him in a stern voice to drop the stick and he did. I said " are you upset that I was on the phone?" He said "yes". I said "did you want to play with mama at the park?" He said "yes". I told him he was playing rough and unsafe with the stick and we needed to take it somewhere it wouldn't be in the way of all the kids playing. We did that together and then I suggested we play hide and seek. His face immediately turned from sour to SO HAPPY and we played together for a few minutes. He was running, laughing, hugging me when he found me and thrilled to be at the park. In the past I would have flown off the handle at that behavior, yelled, told him we were leaving immediately and have stormed away from the park and still been upset when we got home. I couldn't believe how much just validating his feelings, sharing a task together and playing changed his mood and behavior instantly. It was incredible.

5. Compassion and connection raise great kids.

I also worried that this approach might spoil my kids or cause more misbehavior, but it helps them to want to try to be better (notice the word here is better, not perfect). 

Here are some things I've heard from my 3.5 yr old over the past few months:
When I have less patience and it's showing, she may very well say, "I think you're tired Mama."     
When I knew she didn't wipe herself or flush the toilet after using it, and yet she insisted that she did, I told her that is called a lie and it is not okay to lie to your mother, etc., etc.  She accepted this, then 10 minutes later, spontaneously:  "I'm sorry for lying Mama."
After a tantrum or conflict with me:  "Let's get back to love"  or  "I need a hug and kiss."
When I told her I needed her to be quiet while I was on the phone for the umpteenth time and in a stern voice, and then, while she was  finally quiet, I patted her on the back, she looked up and said:  "Thank you, Mama;  I appreciate it."  (moving in for a hug).
When I have run out of patience and stoop to yelling or lose my composure, she has had the courage and confidence (self esteem?) to say to me (quietly and peacefully):  "Dont' talk to me that way.  You hurt my feelings."  I am so proud of her for this!!
 
Among her peer group, she has fewer tantrums and listens more attentively and is more amenable to correction than the others are, whose mothers use threats, time-outs, punishments, and ignore, sometimes literally walking away from, "ugly" feelings and behavior.  This sort of treatment does seem to stop the unwanted behavior in the moment.  But it always returns, it seems to me. 

It was with our 4 year old that your parenting tips have really shown to bare fruit. we were in an interview with his teacher about 6 weeks after he started school and she said how mature and sensative he is and how he can make his thoughts and feelings known without going into melt down,. it was this that really helped me see that kids do learn by example and I was so proud of my little man!

I used to have homework battles every night, now my kids are very responsible and the two oldest ones are high honor students, and they actually love math and science. they write poetry, they sing, they all have a love for piano and my house is more often than not filled with music and joy....The teacher told me that all of my kids have this "goodness" to them that is contagious.  Also my kids choose really good loving, creative, and supportive friends.

I volunteer in a community centre and I see the yelling, the time outs, the threats etc., and I note how they simply do not work. They might get short-term results, but I can see the child fuming, misunderstood, frustrated. The happy, content, well-'behaved', mannered toddler who I live with, has so much to do with what Dr. Laura teaches.

6. Every courageous step helps both us and our children grow....And it gets easier! 

As soon as I start operating like we are on the "same team," my son picks up on my attitude shift and often immediately softens his behaviors and is ready to compromise.

I have been told by my 4 year old that it's nice I don't shout as much and that makes him feel "good inside and all warm."

I can tell you from my own experience that providing your child with a loving, compassionate, scream free, judgement free household has not just been a gift that I have given to my children, but it is a gift I have given to myself. I have grown by leaps and bounds not just as a parent, but as a person as well. 

The more I read Laura's material and implement it into my everyday language, the easier it becomes.

It took a lot of faith that what Dr Laura said would work, and so much of it went against conventional wisdom that I was afraid to be the laughing stock of my circle of friends.  But having nothing else in my parenting bag to try, I went for it.  It was pretty hard for the first month or two - hard mentally.  I had to stop my reactions, first of all, which was the most difficult thing.  Once I could slow my reactions down and see what I was doing, see how it affected my daughter, and realize my own personal pain that I was projecting onto her, it rapidly became easier.  Each time I reminded myself that a tantrum was no emergency, that her feelings wouldn't hurt me, and that I could just stay separate but supportive during her outbursts, it was confidence building.  The tantrums grew shorter - but I cannot lie and tell you that it wasn't painful to hear some seemingly UNENDING tantrums at first.  But then, when the tantrum was done - it was DONE!  No lingering whining, no continued begging for this or that, no hitting or kicking.  It's like the whole issue just disappeared.  *poof!*  The magic really happens when I see how easily my little girl lets go of all the awful, even hurtful mistakes I make, and now that she's old enough, she will openly tell me what she is feeling.  All I have to do is wait it out, let her have her feelings, and let her know that I'm on her side - even if I can't give her all she wants.  My daughter just turned three, and I tell you that now I am NOT AFRAID of tantrums anymore because they don't have the power to make me want to fight or run from my daughter, and I don't feel out of control even when I am tired, because I know what to do, how to love her the best I can, and that it works! 

7. Most of us are healing our own childhoods.  This is hard, messy work that takes awareness and tears, but it pays real dividends.

Like Lindsay, I wasn't brought up this way, and I have clear memories of my feelings as a preschooler and it still hurts to this day. The distance with my mother is big.  So I know what doesn't work.

I came from a family with lots of yelling and I'm still recovering from it. I see my sisters yell at their kids and it breaks my heart to see my nieces and nephews shut down and look hurt and humiliated. That style of parenting is all about asserting authority over the child. I wouldn't treat anyone else in my life like that (family, friends, even strangers) so I never understood why we do that to our children.

I always knew that I didn't want to be the kind of parent who spanks or yells or throws things at a child when upset at my child. My mom did those things to me. I have an anxiety disorder and also experienced major depression that are related to the abusive and authoritarian manner in which I was raised.

My own mother was very strict and yelled and even threw things around to vent her anger.  It was often directed at us, her children.  I loved my mother dearly, but I was afraid of her.  To her dying day (less than two years ago; I am in my 40's) I was still afraid of saying the wrong thing or "getting in trouble," as much as I loved and needed her (and miss her so much).  I vowed that my children, while respecting me, would NOT be afraid of me.

8. There is always a way back to connection.  Love is the way.

I am trying to reframe their endless need for me as a good thing, and one that is worthwhile trying to fulfill. And I'm reminding myself that we are all trying -- that we are all communicating, and we all love each other, and we are doing better today than last month, and we will figure it out. 

As a parent, you are never alone.  We are all figuring it out, every day.  Thanks for doing the hardest work there is, to change the world one person at a time. And thanks for sharing your miracles, large and small.

PS. For each of these themes, there were many, many more wonderful notes with articulate wisdom.  If you wrote, thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing.  I'm reading and treasuring each and every word, and will personally acknowledge your note soon.  As promised, your responses will be up on my website soon and I'll send out the link.  If you haven't written, it's not too late.  Here's Lindsey's request.