Parenting Blog

"Parents often fail to realize the importance of playing with children of all ages. Some new research, for example, by Anthony Pellegrini, suggests that boys who engage in playful rough and tumble wrestling with their dads have more positive social skills than boys who don't.  I always recommend what I call PlayTime, which is one-on-one time between a parent and a child where the child is completely in charge of what they do, and the parent gets down on the floor and gives their undivided, enthusiastic attention (no phone calls or dinner preparations or paying the bills)." -- Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting*

As promised, more ideas for games to play with your children.  They're designed to transform tense parenting challenges into laughter instead of tears.  So they're "productive" -- just in case your inner critic starts carping that you're wasting your time.  But don't be surprised if your child wants to play these games over and over.  They relieve stress, help your child master emotion -- and believe it or not, they're fun!

When your kids are fighting a lot :  When tempers are calm, say "Would you two please fight with each other now?"  When they begin to fight, pretend to be a TV commentator. "We're on the scene tonight watching two sisters who can't seem to get along!  Will they work things out or not?  Stay with us while we observe this behavior live! Notice how big sister is bossy, but little sister is provocative!  Both girls want the same piece of salami! Can they work this out?  Are they smart enough to realize there's more salami in the fridge? Stay tuned..."  Your kids will giggle and let off tension, and get to see how ridiculous they are. 

To help a child who's coping with a challenging issue, like the start of school, or playground struggles, or being sick:  Have one stuffed animal be the parent, and one be the child, and act out the situation.  Using stuffed animals removes it one step from reality so most kids find it more comfortable, but some children like to actually act the situation out themselves (as opposed to using the proxy of dolls or stuffed animals).  "Let's pretend we're in the sandbox and I want your truck but you don't want to share" or "Let's pretend you're the teacher and I'm the student" or "Let's pretend you're the doctor and I'm sick."  Playing out these situations that cause so much stress for kids helps them to feel more in control of their own emotions, and lets them be the powerful one in a situation where they might have felt powerless and humiliated in real life.

To work through a problem that keeps coming up, such as a child who dawdles in the morning or at bedtime. Sometime on the weekend, grab a mom and baby stuffed animal.  Have them act out the morning (or bedtime) routine.  Have the little one resist, whine, collapse.  Have the mom "lose it" (but don't scare your child by overdoing it. Have the mom be a funny, incompetent bumbler.) Your child will be fascinated.  Then, hand your kid the "mom" and play out the scenario again, with you being the kid.  Make it funny so you can both giggle and let off tension. Make sure to include scenarios in which the kid goes to school in his pjs, or the mom goes to work in her pjs, or the kid has to yell at the mom to hurry up and get ready, or the mom says "Who cares about that meeting? Let's tell the boss it's more important to find your toy car!"  Give him in fantasy what he can't have in reality.  You may learn something about how to make things work better.  Almost certainly, you'll see more understanding and cooperation from your child on Monday. At the very least, you'll defuse the tension get a great chance to see how your kid perceives you!

When your child has been screeching or complaining: Give permission.  "Ok, there's been so much complaining (or loud screeching)!  This is your last chance to complain (screech) for the rest of the day.  I'm setting the timer and putting on my earphones.  I want you to complain (screech) as loud as you can for the next three minutes.  You only have three minutes so make the most of them.  After that, we're all back to normal inside voices. 1, 2, 3, GO!"

When your child goes through a stage of whining a lot.  Remember that whining is an expression of powerlessness.  Refusing to "hear" until they use a "big kid" voice further invalidates them.  But of course you don't want to reward whining by "giving in" to it, either.   Instead, express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game:  "Hey, where did your strong voice go?  It was here a minute ago.  I LOVE your strong voice!  I'll help you find it.  Help me look.  Is it under the chair?  No...In the toy box?  No....  HEY!  You found it!!  That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

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*These are games I often recommend to parents, and while I have adapted them over the years, I didn't invent them.  Some originated from the rich tradition of play therapy; some were inspired by the work of Lawrence Cohen, who wrote the book Playful Parenting. For more ideas on using play to connect with kids and help them resolve challenges, I highly recommend Cohen's work.