Parenting Blog

"Usually our ideas of self-care are something you do, child-free, to care for yourself. But what if this form of self-care isn’t possible? Self care can be as simple as taking deep breaths while you are sitting with a screaming child. Having a cup of tea while you read your child a book... I really like this idea of self-care because it doesn’t make having kids and self-care mutually exclusive. I do go out to dance classes and yoga on my own, but when I can’t or don’t, I crank the music loud at home and do my own dance class." – Deborah Purcell

The #1 New Years Resolution of parents everywhere?  Be more patient. But having to summon up your patience is a signal that your cup is already dangerously empty.  Willpower only takes us so far.  The real job is keeping your cup full so you have plenty of joy and presence to share with your child.  Kids love our joyful presence and become happier and more cooperative.

If you're finding yourself frequently resentful, depleted or exhausted, if your mind chatter often includes negative thoughts about your child, or if you're yelling at your child on a regular basis, you may be suffering from what I call SAP Disorder -- Sacrificing yourself on the Altar of Parenthood. 

That's when we forget to give ourselves the attention we need.  It isn't good for us to feel deprived.  It kills our natural joy.  And it isn't good for our kids, who end up with a resentful, negative, impatient parent. (Guess whether that makes them behave better.)

Does that mean you should tell your kid he can forget about getting his needs met, that it's about time your needs came first? No, of course not. Parenting is about nurturing our child, which means noticing what she needs and trying to make sure she gets it.

But we can only be inspired parents to the degree that we "parent" ourselves. The solution is to tend to ourselves as well as we can each moment of the day, just as we do our child. To honor both our needs and theirs. How?

1. Make it a habit to tune into yourself as often as possible throughout your day.  Just take a deep breath and let it flood your body with well-being.  Breathe in calm, breathe out stress. Simply being present with yourself is an essential form of "attention" that we all need.

2. Every time you notice you're getting resentful or irritable, stop.  Ask yourself "What do I need right now to stay in balance?"  Then, give it to yourself -- whether your child is there or not.  (Five minutes to sit on the back steps and listen to the birds? A glass of water? Five minutes of dancing to great music?)  If you can't do it right now, make a date with yourself for later.  (A bath after the kids go to bed. A glass of wine with your spouse. More sleep tonight.)

3. Notice the challenging times of day and find ways to nurture yourself through them.  It's your life, and you're in charge, whether it feels that way or not. Letting yourself feel victimized doesn't help your kids. Does bedtime drive you crazy?  Make a plan to make it better, whether that's sharing more responsibility with your spouse, starting earlier, posting a schedule, getting more sleep yourself, or enjoying a cup of tea while you read to your child. 

4. Consciously parent yourself.  Did you know that it's your job to be your own parent?  If you're old enough to have a child yourself, your parents are off the hook.  It's your responsibility now. Talk to yourself like someone you love. Nurture yourself through the hard times.  Acknowledge all your efforts in the right direction.  No, you're not perfect. You don't need to be.  You deserve all the tenderness you would shower on a newborn baby. Giving that love to ourselves transforms our parenting -- and our lives.

5. Soak in the beauty and joy of every moment you can.  Stop rushing and revel in your child's laughter, the sweet smell of his hair, her joy in mastering something new.  "Smelling the roses" replenishes your spirit. It makes life worth living. It inspires your children to connect and cooperate. And it cures SAP disorder.