Parenting Blog

"He may scream and produce a temper tantrum on the tiniest provocation. Your once-enchanting toddler has now become a demon or a complete despot...the child of this age is handicapped by an almost total inability to modulate.  He is made up of extremes, exuberant one minute, shy the next.  He says "Me do it myself" when he can't do a thing, and "You do it," when he can."  -- Louise Bates Ames, Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender

Most parents are taken by surprise when their child moves into the second year.  But your toddler’s budding autonomy is a good thing.  She’s learning to think for herself.  She’s experimenting with her impact on the world.  Feeling powerful is the beginning of taking responsibility – because she’s discovering her own “response – ability.”  Your job is to:

• Keep your child safe as she explores.
• Give up some control so he can develop some mastery over his world.
• Enjoy her emerging independence and curiosity.
• Stay positive and connected!

But that’s challenging for most parents, because toddlers are a handful.  Why?  Because toddlers feel powerless much of the time. They’re small, in a big world. They have big desires, most of which don’t get met.  They want to assert their will, which is a healthy part of toddler development, but they’re stymied at every turn. 
 
"You MUST put your shoes on now so we can take the dog out.  No, you can’t have that pen near the couch, only in the kitchen.  Go in the kitchen or give me the pen.  We have to go, get in the carseat now.  Time for your bath, into the tub!"
 
Reasonable requests, all.  But the toddler doesn’t see the reason for them, and you can’t reason with the toddler.   So most toddlers rebel and test the limits at every turn. What can you do to get cooperation?
 
1. Set limits only when necessary, so your relationship doesn’t turn into one big fight.  This is also known as picking the battles that matter.  Does it really matter if she wears stripes and dots together?  Does it really matter if he skips brushing his teeth just for today? 
 
2. Make necessary chores palatable.  If the limit is important in general (you do want him to brush his teeth most days), then give it some thought. What are you flexible about and what is non-negotiable?  Since cavities are more about diet than brushing at this age, you want the brushing to be a fun habit, and it can be less thorough. How can you make this task into something he will WANT to do?  Let him choose a toothbrush?  Get an electric toothbrush or timer? Have him first brush Teddy’s teeth, or your teeth?  Find odd places around the house to brush (“Do you want to sit on Daddy’s shoulders while I brush your teeth?  Or on the kitchen counter? Or stand on the third step?”)
 
3. Make necessary chores part of the routine.  Take photos of everything you do in your daily routine and post them on a piece of posterboard.  Breakfast, potty, shoes on, walk dog, play, lunch, nap, potty, playground, snack, play, dinner, bath, snack & story, brush teeth, tuck in stuffed animals, lights off and lullaby.   If you can point to brushing teeth right on the posterboard, she’s less likely to argue with it, because you’re not the bad guy, this is just the way the world works.
 
4. Give choices whenever possible.  Maybe she can get in her stroller or carrier with socks and you can just bring the shoes in case she gets out later.  Maybe she can have a bath in the kitchen sink, or a sponge bath.
 
5. Use play to engage your toddler in your agenda.  Toddlers don't like to be ordered around any more than you do.  What they do love is to play.  Want cooperation? Fly your toddler up to her bath.  Get him to finish his milk by pretending to be a puppy who loves milk.  Get her into her carseat by pretending to be the flight attendant preparing for takeoff.  Race him to the car.  
 
6. Whenever possible, let him wait until he’s ready.  Toddlers need to explore their world, and they hate being rushed.  They also hate being forced, or overpowered. So stop and smell the roses with your toddler whenever you can.  But what if you’re on your way home and you want to get him into the carseat, but he refuses?  First, try to always allow extra time.  Second, try all the tricks you know to make it into a game.  If he still resists, say “Ok, climb in when you’re ready.”  Then pull out your book and read until he gets bored and climbs into the seat.
 
7. When you do need to set limits, empathize.  For instance, letting him wait until he’s ready for bed would be a disaster because the longer he waits, the more tired he gets, and then he has a meltdown.  Instead, set a firm, kind limit and empathize with his unhappiness about it. He may have to go to bed, but he doesn’t have to like it.
 
8. Let her experience being powerful whenever possible.  Lift her up so she can be the one to turn on the light switch.  Better yet, get her a stool so she can reach it herself.  Let her help you with housework, such as cutting up her own banana with a plastic knife or washing plastic containers in the sink next to you.
 
9. Give her opportunities to work out her feelings about being powerless by playing power games.  Seize on something she does to assert herself. Make it into a game.  “You won’t get in the bath?  Oh no!!  You will be so dirty!  What will we do?!!”  Play a game of chasing her and failing to catch her.  “I am going to catch you and put you in the bath!”  But always stumble or in some other way, let her escape. Finally, “give in.”  “I guess you won’t be taking a bath?  Okay.  You’ll take a bath when you’re ready.  What should we do instead?  Pretend you’re a puppy and wash you in the kitchen sink?”
 
10. Laugh when you can, cry when you have to. Games like the Bath game above let your child work out fears and upsets through giggles and play.  All kids need the opportunity to vent and release their emotions in a safe way.  Sometimes, though, that will mean tantrums.  Try to head them off at the path by empathizing and meeting physical needs for food, sleep, downtime and snuggles.  But there will be times when your child is just upset and nothing seems to make it better.  At those times, empathize with the upset to help your child cry or rage.  Hold him, or at least stay close, and hold him as he begins to calm down enough to be held.  Don’t, of course, give him whatever he was tantrumming for, but give him something better – your understanding and love, no matter how many inconvenient feelings he has.  That soothing is how kids learn to soothe themselves eventually.
 
11. Use age-appropriate discipline.  That means distraction, reasonable limits, redirection. Timeouts and other punishment set up more power struggles and teach your child that might makes right and he’s a bad person, all alone with those scary, unmanageable feelings that caused him to act out. Toddlers can be infuriating, so remind yourself not to take it personally, and calm down before you take action with your little one.
 
12. Sidestep power struggles.  You don't have to prove you're right. Your child is trying to assert that he is a real person, with some real power in the world.  That's totally appropriate.  Let him say no whenever you can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples' rights.  You'll be glad to know that since tantrums are an expression of powerlessness, toddlers who feel some control over their lives have many fewer tantrums.
 
13. Enjoy your child!  Yes, you have to stay two steps ahead of your child nowadays to avoid meltdowns.  But you can practically see her brain blossoming!  And every bit of love you give her is teaching her how relationships can and should be, a model for her future. Enjoying the positives of toddlerhood makes the challenges a lot easier.  The toddler stage doesn’t last forever.  Enjoy your little one while you can.