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My Aha moment this week came while I was watching my daughter’s trampoline class yesterday. Just before her group, a class of four year olds had finished. It was 6 pm, and these kids were hot and tired. Avoiding meltdowns would take very attentive parenting, so I watched with interest.
One mom, gathering her brood, says, “Now we’re going home and you’ll take a bath while I make dinner.” She definitely got points for letting them know what would be happening, which helps kids feel less rebellious. Her 4 year old, who is dripping sweat, says “A COLD bath!”
“I don’t think so,” says the mom. “I don’t want you to get a chill.” Now, this was totally reasonable. And the mom did well by saying “I don’t think so” instead of NO, which is guaranteed to push anyone’s buttons.
But as the four year old started fighting with her about the temperature of her bath, I just thought, “Oh, this poor tired mom and kid.” It would have been so easy if Mom had simply said “Wow, a COLD bath? You must be really hot! You worked hard in this class!” Her child would have felt heard and happily agreed. By the time she got home she would have cooled off and forgotten all about it. The mom would give her a cold drink and run a warm bath. Happy evening all around.
Another tired four year old, totally wound up, is still climbing on the spare equipment, throwing herself on the mats, jumping off things, rolling around, loving it. Her father keeps giving her warnings -- ten more times and then we need to go. Ten times! Meanwhile the dad wanders around talking into his cell phone and ignoring his recalcitrant daughter.
Finally, he loses patience and tells her to put on her shoes. She throws herself down on the mat and does a mini tantrum – not really crying, more moaning – but clearly a warning that she is ready to launch into a real tantrum if he forces her to leave. You know how people say kids manipulate you with tantrums? I don’t think so. Kids lose it with tantrums and they can’t control themselves. But this was before the tantrum, when she was still in control, and she was letting him know in no uncertain terms that she would let herself lose it if he forced her. It looked to me like she had done this many times before.
Now, poor dad has no idea what to do. Many parents would know they shouldn’t give in. But they also wouldn’t want to have their kid throw a tantrum in front of everyone. So what does he do? He gives her another warning. Two more minutes and we’ll go. She runs off. He is clearly irritated with her. He gets on his cell phone, explaining to mom that he’s still at gymnastics.
I felt bad for him. But also that he was unwittingly creating a bad situation. First, he was teaching his daughter not to pay attention to his limits, because he constantly extended them. Second, he was teaching her to threaten a tantrum when she wanted her way. After all, it worked!
SO what could Dad have done?
Picked her up and left with her screaming? Since he’d already ignored his own limits, it was a bit late to teach her that he was immovable. Unpleasant, and unnecessary. NOT a path to a pleasant evening.
What could he have done? Joined with her.
What if he just went over and watched her?
Connected with her verbally while she did her somersaults?
Interacted with her so she felt seen, understood?
Appreciated what she was appreciating about the experience?
She would have ended up savoring that connection.
Enjoying it as much as the physical activity.
She had loved the class.
Now she was trying to prolong it, as we all do, even though it was over.
Dad, by connecting with her, could give her a way to transition.
To enjoy him.
Eventually, they would end up collapsed together on the mat. Snuggling.
Once he was holding her, and they were connected, she would follow his lead when he suggested going to get some food. He could just carry her out, along with her shoes.
So the Aha! Moment? Empathy. Empathy with limits. Yes, you make them leave. Yes, you make sure they don’t get chilled in a hot bath. You’re the grownup, after all. Setting limits is a big part of your job description. But do you want to make your life easier? And meet your kids' emotional needs at the same time? Offer them empathy while you set your limits and they won’t even know those are limits. Join with your child before you try to move them forward. A spoonful of sugar? Or just what every person needs? To be coached, not shoved.
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to imagine the future until a later age, but parents DO! Why can't the parent see that even though the child is expressing this wish now, it doesn't mean that's what they will want at bath time. When my son was young, 2 and 3, we lived in a very, very cold
climate. In the winter he was not capable of understanding that it was cold outside. Instead of fighting with him, arguing, or worse, forcing him to put on his coat, I would tell him that it was time to put on his coat. He would say he didn't want it because
he wasn't cold and I would say ok and grab the coat as we walked out the front door. As soon as the 20 degree temperatures hit him (and many times colder than that) he would look up at me and say, "I'm cold," and I would put his coat on him. Then I would say
something like, "Isn't it funny that even when we are warm inside we still need to put on our coats to go outside." It's just about teaching. Teaching is *so* much easier than insisting on being right or forcing behavior. In the long run, you get the dividends
of being a teacher. My son is 16 now and is fun and funny and independent and wonderful. He does his own laundry, almost all of his own cooking, and we are very close. I'm so glad we never had to be enemies.