Parenting Blog

Last Friday, my daily reminder gave a list of things most of us sometimes do, that can leave our kids feeling like they don't matter.  My point was that since it is impossible to be a perfect parent, we need to consciously compensate by listening deeply and acknowledging our kids’ needs, even when we can't meet them. 

I'm grateful to Pam, who wrote to me that over-stressed parents don't need any more guilt, particularly about having to leave their kids while they work.  I realized that my email didn't get across the point I was trying to make.  What's more, it left some folks who read it feeling worse about their parenting, not better. I'm honored to accompany you on your parenting journey, and appreciate your trust.  I apologize for the clumsiness of that email.

If you'd like to read the list of things most parents do that -- from our child's perspective -- are not ideal, click here.  My exchange with Pam is below.  And thanks for writing when one of these daily inspirations hits the mark -- or when it misses.

Hello, Dr. Markham--
I want to say first that I do enjoy your website and daily reminders, for the most part.  I feel I am more appreciative of my children because of them. However, I am a working mom.  What is supposed to be inspirational, can make me feel guilty.  Today's examples:
*We give them the message that our work is more important, by going off to work while they're crying behind us.
*We work out of the house, giving our children the message that our work is more important than their needs and presence.
 
I must work to provide a stable home for my children.  I wish I could be home with them, but it is impossible.  My husband lost his job a few months ago.  Many, many other families are like mine, especially in today's economy. Please don't add additional guilt to the already over-worked and over-stressed working mothers.  We are doing the best we can.  -- Pam

Dear Pam,
I am so grateful that you wrote to me about this. That message, in retrospect, was clumsily written and does not convey the message I had intended.  Worse yet, it could easily be misinterpreted and make parents feel guilty.  That was not at all my intention, and I apologize.

As I pointed out in that post, there is no way to avoid doing the things I listed.  What parent hasn’t done some of these things?  I know I have.  The specific point you mention — “leaving our child crying behind us as we go off to work” — has been experienced by virtually every mother.  That it is necessary doesn’t make it less heartbreaking for our child -- or even for us.  
 
And as I said, even if  you haven’t done any of these things  – even if you are miraculously, impossibly, a perfect parent -- what percentage of the time do young children want their parents' attention?  100%?  No parent can meet that need.  So it is no wonder  that many kids at some level form the belief that they're unimportant.  

Unfortunately, we can’t avoid sometimes giving our kids the message that they don’t matter.  We do this without meaning to.  And of course it isn’t true – our kids are our greatest treasure. But from the child’s perspective, that’s sometimes the take-away message. My point — which I obviously did not make very well -- was that given the impossibility of being a perfect parent, we have to assume this is happening for our child sometimes, and consciously compensate for it.

How?   My suggestion was simply listening and acknowledging our kids’ needs more often:
“This weekend, notice what message you give your child about her importance.  That doesn't mean putting her needs first.  It means acknowledging them and balancing them with your own.  For instance, ‘I really want to hear what you have to say to me.  As soon as I'm done with this, I will give you my full attention.’  Then follow up on your promise.”

I also need to clarify that my clumsy phrase “work out of the house” was referring to those of us who work from home, not those of us who leave our houses for work.  Lately I have had a few letters and been asked to write an article on how to keep a one or two year old busy so mom can work at home. The bottom line is that a toddler can’t understand why mom is putting him behind a toddler gate so that she can work.  We know we have to work.  But the toddler can’t possibly understand.  From his perspective, mom — the center of his universe -- is ignoring his cries. Naturally, this sends him into a panic.  He knows his mom is perfect.  He knows she is in charge of the world.  He concludes that there must be something wrong with him, that he isn’t lovable enough to get her to attend to him.  

Am I saying that mothers of young children should not work?  That’s obviously unrealistic.  And I think the assumption that it’s the mother’s responsibility, as opposed to the father’s, to be home with the kids is unfair to both mom and dad.  

But if you read my website, you’ll see that the research shows that babies and toddlers do better when they can be cared for by a parent or relative as much as possible. Four years out of a working person’s life is relatively small, but the first four years of a child’s life determine much of his future development.  I find this issue the biggest challenge for parents, because the choices are so loaded and the economic pressures so real.  

I know that for many families, it is simply not possible for a baby or toddler to be cared for by a parent.  That’s a risk factor, but research shows that kids can come out just fine if parents consciously compensate by building a strong relationship with the child.  For that reason, my entire website is dedicated to helping parents maintain a strong bond with their kids.

But from your letter, it sounds to me like your kids are cared for by their father while you work.  If so, they have an ideal situation:  a parent at home. I know that your husband losing his job is fraught with anxiety and economic stress.  It certainly isn’t what your family would have chosen, and I hear that you would love to be home with your children. I hope that your husband can give his kids the gift of using this time to get to know them in a deeper way.  And I hope that your family weathers this stressful time and comes out closer as a result.

In closing, I want to thank you again for writing to me about this. It's always a bit of a balancing act to inspire moms and dads to live their inner awesome parent without making them feel bad when they just can't quite manage that in the crush of everyday life.  It can also be very hard for us as parents to hear our child’s perspective, simply because no parent is perfect, and we so much want what is best for our kids. I am absolutely convinced that all parents are doing the best they can day by day.  My goal is to offer support, never guilt.  It helps me do a better job when I hear from my readers. I appreciate your taking the time to write.

Warm regards,
Dr. Laura