Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

The mind’s job is to observe, analyze, run scenarios, and set off alarms.  The mission of the mind is survival, so it’s motivated solely by fear.  Happiness is not in its job description. 

Because we can’t switch our minds off, our inner critics are constantly looping through negative thought patterns.  Brain research shows that our minds actually follow certain patterns that get etched into our neural pathways with frequent use.  So when our child does something we don't like, it starts a cascade of negative thoughts: "Oh, no....He's doing that again...He never listens when I....There's no way to get him to.....Why does he always.....I am so sick and tired of this....If I had behaved that way when I was his age....I need to nip this in the bud or he'll be completely out of control in the teen years.....I must be a terrible parent..."

Sound familiar? The bad news is, many of us walk around in a low level of negativity.  It's so easy for our children to set it off.  And the things we say or do from the grip of fear never give us the results we want.

The good news is, you can disarm your inner critic. You can develop the mindfulness to notice when you're in a bad mood, and take steps to feel better. You can even "re-train" your mind to to make appreciation a habit, which has been proven to make us happier.  Not surprisingly, you'll find that you feel more peaceful inside, which allows you to be a more patient, compassionate parent.

So, over the next month, I'll be interspersing my regular parenting missives with Blueprints to Disarm Your Inner Critic. These aren't my ideas -- they're time-honored mindfulness traditions designed to address this most fundamental challenge all humans face.  But I can testify that practicing any or all of these strategies over time will change your life and make you a more inspired parent. After all, how we show up with our kids always depends on how we feel inside.  Think of this as “Spring Cleaning for your psyche.”  

Strategies to disarm your inner critic tend to fall into three categories:

Notice your thoughts and emotions.

Just becoming aware of our mind’s chatter can significantly shift our moods, as we see how downright ridiculous some of what goes through our mind is. When we notice those little warning emotions before they boil over, we can change paths when we find we’re headed down a bad one.  If you've been working on my Yellibacy Challenge, you'll find these strategies are just what you need to keep from yelling.

Change the way you talk to yourself.

Once you've become aware of your habitual thought patterns, you can choose to challenge and change them. Tough? Sure.  But like most thinking, it’s a matter of habit.  The great news is that changing how we talk to ourselves significantly improves our moods. And the way we talk to our kids.

Give your mind a vacation.

These are the strategies most people think of when they talk about mindfulness. We'll look at a few practices to quiet the mind with meditation, exercise and other techniques.  Not only does this give us a break from negativity, it allows us to tap into a replenishing source of well-being.  We all know that we can only give to our child when our own cup is full.  Here's how to keep it overflowing with well-being!

I look forward to spending the next couple of weeks with you Spring-cleaning our psyches.  Every one of these strategies will help you to live a more peaceful, loving, and happy life with your child. I think you'll find life inside your head happier, too.