Parenting Blog

"Children actually love to share. When they're babies, they like to give us things, and have us give those things back. When they're a bit older, they like to take a plate of cookies and offer one to each person in the room. When older still, they love the games that include everyone in the family. And when they are relaxed and feeling secure, children even love to see someone else enjoy their favorite things....To be able to share, a child needs to feel a strong sense of connection, he needs to feel loved and warmly accepted. When he feels close to others and emotionally safe, he's not so desperate for the blue shovel or the green balloon. He can wait for a turn. He has what he really needs; a sense of connection buoys him through little disappointments." -- Patty Wipfler

We all want our children to be generous. But forcing a person to share just makes him resentful.  Worse yet, it internalizes the sense that he must be a very bad boy indeed if he doesn’t want to share like a good boy. 

(For an insightful description of how being guilt-tripped into generosity can undermine self esteem, check out how young Laura is taught to share -- and feel bad about herself -- in the Laura Ingalls Wilder books.)

So if we can't force our kids to share, what can we do? Generosity starts with a feeling of having plenty, and develops as we have experiences of making others happy by giving to them.  Our job as parents is to help our kids to have those experiences.  How?

1. Make sure your child's needs to be seen, appreciated, and adored are met. We can only give when we're full inside.

2. Give your child the opportunity to experience how his actions can create joy in others.  This usually begins with parents; you give him the gift of seeing you respond to a gift of his – such as a card he’s made you – by letting him see the tears in your eyes as you read it.

3. Don’t force them to share before they’re ready.  Insisting that a two year old share is likely to backfire.  My friend John points out that asking his two year old daughter to share her favorite toys is like asking him to share his treasured violin with friends who visit. Be particularly careful about insisting that siblings share, which can undermine their relationship. 

4. Remember that social situations can be very stressful for little ones.  Your child needs your presence nearby and they need to feel your availability and connection.  If you're chatting away with another mom and your daughter has to navigate the sandbox without knowing you're there to help,  she's likely to feel threatened and territorial. The open-hearted trust that inspires sharing closes down into snarling.

5. Help him wait.  He wants the truck?  He can have it when Michael is done with it. It's just too hard to wait?  Say "You really want that truck.  It's hard to watch Michael with it.  I will help you wait."  If he has a meltdown, that's ok.  Let him cry and scream in your arms.  After he gets out all those upset feelings he'll feel so good he probably won't even care about the truck. And he'll feel more connected to you, having learned that while he doesn't always get what he wants, he gets something better: Someone who loves and accepts him, no matter what.

6. Remember what she really needs. When we fixate on having a particular material thing, we're really looking for the feeling we think it will bring us. She wants the stuffed elephant, but she NEEDS to feel good inside, and that won't come from the elephant, except temporarily. When kids get their core needs (unconditional love and acceptance of their full emotional life) met, they can be more flexible about what they play with.

7. Model generosity.  Give to the panhandler, bake pies for the elderly at Thanksgiving.  Share your ice cream with your child (and don't expect your kid to share hers with you until she's maybe twelve!)  Donate to a worthy cause in honor of a special occasion.  Make giving a part of your daily life.

8. Every child deserves the pleasure of giving her own money to a worthy cause. Try giving a little extra weekly allowance that goes in a special "charity" jar, and letting her give it away as she chooses. 

9. Volunteer as a family.  When my children were young, we volunteered at a local soup kitchen.  This helped them feel a little less hopeless when they encountered a homeless person, because they knew that person could go get a hot meal at “our” soup kitchen.  What can young kids do?  Sort food at a food bank. Help you deliver Meals on Wheels. Organize a book drive and ship the books off to Reader to Reader. Start while your kids are young, so your kids take community involvement for granted.  As they get into their teen years, they’ll find worthy causes of their own.

10. Share the idea that giving to others is one of the reasons we're alive. And one of the ways we can all make the world a better place. We could even argue that our purpose on earth is to grow by sharing with each other.

Eventually, if your child is lucky, she will learn from experience that making someone else happy by giving to them is truly more rewarding to her than receiving a gift herself.