Parenting Blog

"I miss my baby.
I can't believe that she's a going-to-school girl,
a climb-into-my-own-chair-and-make-my-own-sandwich girl,
a brush-my-own teeth girl,
a take-off-my-coat-and-hang-it-on-the-hook girl,
a go-to-the-toilet-and-wipe-my-own-bum girl.
Where's that baby who didn't want to do anything but snuggle up with me? The cuddly, chubby one who was constantly on my hip as I made dinner, vacuumed the living room, talked on the phone?  My back is very grateful that she's a do-it-myself girl. The rest of me gets a bit sad from time to time."
    --www.flickr.com/photos/notcatherinezeta/

Everyone who loves also grieves. 

Parents have a unique relationship with grief, though, because parents face constant loss -- even parents with healthy children who thrive and grow to become happy, productive adults.  As our children age, we lose them over and over.  And even if we remain close to them as they establish their own families, if we have done a good job as parents we ultimately lose our children to their own lives.

Of course, we receive the solace of the next, often wonderful, stage, but that doesn’t erase the profound loss of the infant’s earliest milky smiles, the toddler’s adoring gaze, the preschooler’s unmatched exuberance, the six year old still climbing onto our lap for a bedtime story. Even now, with a 14 year old and a 19 year old, I see in their faces both the toddlers they were and the adults they are becoming. "Stop growing up!" I want to plead.  "You're old enough!"

But children can't learn to fly if we are, even unconsciously, clutching at their ankles. We all know parents who undermine their children’s development out of their own needs.  How can we avoid that?

I think the secret is to recognize the loss that comes with each new stage of our child's life.  If we can honor that grief, we can more fully revel in the joy each age brings. 

There's an old idea that our tears at a funeral are what free our loved one, floating him or her into the next world.  I think there's a parallel here.

I think our willingness to honor our mixed feelings about our children growing up is part of what frees them to try their wings...and to fly.