Parenting Blog

"Where does resilience come from?....It comes from knowing that you never, never have to be alone….If you feel connected, you will always be able to deal with adversity.  The skills we need to deal with adversity begin not with thoughts or instructions but with a feeling—a feeling of I can handle this.  It is a feeling of No matter what happens, I can find a solution; a feeling of I have dealt with hard times and come out fine before; a feeling of Even when I feel lost, I always have somewhere to turn.” – Edward Hallowell
 
Life is full of hard knocks.  What makes some people get up the next morning determined to try again, while others give up?  Resilience.

There's a common misconception that children develop resilience by encountering failure.  That's a myth.  Children develop resilience by dealing successfully with failure.  When children have the internal and external supports to get up and try again, they learn they can overcome adversity.  When a child doesn't have that internal and external support, all he learns from failing is that he's the kind of person who fails.

And how does your child develop those internal and external supports that give her the feeling that no matter what happens, she can handle it?  From her connection with you.  That solid foundation of knowing you're always there, on her side, is what helps your child risk failure so she can flourish and grow into her full potential. The security of knowing that someone who adores him is watching out for him is what allows a child to learn so quickly, to risk bumps, scrapes and hurt feelings, and come out the other side—in other words, to develop resilience.

Unfortunately, as our children get older, our connection with them often begins to erode. Jobs, school, technology, exhaustion and the responsibility to keep our kids moving through busy schedules conspire to keep us from deeply connecting. Researchers repeatedly find that most parent-child communication is directive, rather than connective, so it doesn't build closeness.

That’s why all parents need to reconnect with our children daily, just to repair the erosion created by life’s normal distractions. When you recollect your child physically into your orbit, focus on recollecting him emotionally as well. Effective parenting is almost impossible until the positive connection with your child has been re-established, so think of daily connecting as preventive maintenance, before there’s a problem. Here's how:

1. Remember that quality time is about connection, so it’s mostly unstructured.  Forget about teaching. Just be fully present with your child. Relax, reflect, play, love. Think of quality time as your kid's time, and follow his or her lead.

2. Express your love physically.  Hug your child first thing every morning and when you say goodbye. Give backrubs and footrubs daily.  Roughhouse.

3. When you’re reunited later in the day, spend fifteen minutes solely focused on your child. (What do you do in that 15 minutes? Listen, commiserate, hug, laugh, listen some more. Here's a whole article on Special Time)

4. Make evenings family time.  Stop working before dinner time so you can devote your evening to your family. Turn off your cell phone and computer.

5. Eat dinner together without interruptions from phones or TV.  Let nutrition and manners take a back seat to creating a warm tone that includes everyone.

6. Have a chat and companionable snuggle at bedtime every night with each child. 

7. Don't make a habit of rescuing.  But do be there to help your child through when it's hard. Knowing someone understands, cares, and is there to help her pick up the pieces makes all the difference in the world.

8. Be sure your child knows that no matter what happens, he can turn to you, and you'll support him in finding a solution.  Together, you'll handle it.

Some day, your child will look back and remember that he's dealt with hard times, and he came out fine. He's got true grit.  And it's your unwavering love that will get him there.

For more support in creating a deep, rewarding bond with your child, please join me on the phone to discuss Attachment past babyhood and navigating daily conflict with young children, tomorrow, Thursday November 10, at 6pm PDT/9pm EST.   This call is the kickoff of the Ultimate Parenting Class.  There's no charge for this call, but you do need to register here for the access info:  Ultimate Parenting Call.