Parenting Blog

"Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed." --  Robert Gallagher

"Dr. Laura -- You talk about setting limits and it sounds so easy.  But how do I actually get my kid to do what's right?" -- Amber

Setting limits is one of the most important skills of parenting. Limits keep our children safe and healthy and support them in learning social norms so that they can function happily in society.

But there's another important reason for setting limits.  If we do it right, our kids will internalize the ability to set limits for themselves, which is otherwise known as self-discipline. Their chances of leading happy, responsible, rewarding lives go way up.

How are you at setting limits?

• Does your child immediately jump up to comply with every request, even though you never raise your voice, threaten, or punish? If so, rejoice, give thanks, and please write to me with your secret.
• Does your child usually comply eventually, after some repeated reminders, negotiations, and occasional frayed tempers? Your family is in the completely normal range. Some brushing up on your technique might help you get less irritated.
• Does your child ignore your every request, leaving you screaming far too often? That’s a symptom of a relationship issue, not a limits issue. Some relationship repair work needs to precede any other goal with your child.

And that's the biggest secret of setting limits.  You can't really MAKE anyone do anything.  Your child complies with your requests because of the strong relationship of trust and affection between you. 

The other option, of course, is fear, which is an effective motivator in the moment.  But you have to keep escalating your threats, and over time, fear becomes less and less effective.  Love, by contrast, becomes a more effective motivator over time.

So how DO you set effective limits? You stay connected while you do it.  Here's how.

1. Start with a strong, supportive connection with your child so he knows you're on his side and wants to please you.

2. Don't start talking until you're connected. Look your child in the eye. Touch him to get his attention.

3. Join with her before you set the limit.  (“This looks like so much fun.”)

4. Express genuine empathy while setting the limit. See it from his point of view.  ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

5. Help your child feel less "pushed around" by offering a choice. ("Do you want to come in now, or in five minutes?")

6. Get agreement so your child "owns" the limit. ("Ok, five minutes, but no fuss in five minutes, right?  Let's shake on it.")

7. Follow through, pleasantly. It's much easier to stay pleasant when you follow through before you lose your temper. It's also easier to get compliance from your child if she knows you won't keep moving the deadline if she fusses. Most of the time, you'll need to move in physically close so she's forced to take your limit seriously. This is much more effective than raising your voice.  ("It's been five minutes. Time to come in now.")

8. Keep joining and empathizing. ("It's hard to stop playing and come inside. But now it’s time for your bath.”)

9. Limit the negotiations. ("I know it's hard to stop playing, but we agreed five minutes and no fuss.  It's been five minutes. Let's go.")

10. Don't expect him to like it. Your kid has to follow your limits. That doesn't mean he has to like them.  No kid will always comply cheerfully, and that's ok.  You can empathize with his unhappiness without changing your limit. ("I hear you hate coming inside when some of the other kids get to stay out later. That must be hard.  But you need a bath tonight and I want to be sure we get time for a story before bed."

11. When you can't grant a wish in reality, grant it in fantasy. ("I know you wish you could play all night. I bet when you grow up you'll stay up and play all night every single night, won't you?")

12. Resist the temptation to be punitive in any way.  Setting the limit teaches the lesson, as kids will eventually internalize our rules and routines as their own. When we punish them, we make it more likely that they'll rebel against our rules and routines. 

13. Only set the limits you really need to set, so that his life is more about connection and discovery than about limits and frustration.  Saying No too often convinces him you aren't on his side, and undermines your relationship.