Parenting Blog

"Dr. Markham -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

“The single biggest enemy of your happiness is your neurological fear network. We think of fear as just a thought, but it’s not. The fabric of fear has been woven into our brains, creating a neurological entity that has lasted as long as mankind. The fear system is insidious and full of deceit.  When we are tormented by the many faces of fear — perfectionism, obsession, insecurity, shyness, guilt — we often try to make sense of our pain by assuming that something is wrong with our lives.” -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

Many wise teachers, from the Buddha to Byron Katie, would say that Amy's put her finger on the source of all suffering:  the way our minds create stressful thoughts.

That's because our thoughts, which interpret our experience, are the source of all of our emotions.  Anytime we feel any emotion, it arises from some thought we have. 

And anytime we take any action, it arises from an emotion or thought that motivates us.

We all feel at times like we aren't good enough.  Sometimes it's because we're in an impossible situation where there simply isn't enough of us to go around given the 24 hours in a day.  But mostly -- even when our situation is objectively impossible -- we just don't feel good enough inside.  If we did feel like we were more than good enough, we would make peace with our situation -- or change it.

So why do we get stuck in negative situations where we can't possibly feel good?  Why do we create negative situations?  Why do we see a situation as negative when another person might smile and shrug? 

Because our negative thoughts disable us.  Our minds are mercilessly cruel, even -- especially -- to ourselves. We torment ourselves with our imperfections, real or imagined. We disable ourselves.

How can we escape these negative thought patterns?  Tomorrow's daily inspiration email will be a "Blueprint to Disarm Your Inner Critic."  For today, begin with Step One:

Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath.  Notice all that chatter in your mind.  Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down.  Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them.  Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts.  We have a choice.  For today, just take as many opportunities as you can to stop, breathe, and notice the chatter in your mind.