Parenting Blog

"My 7 yr old daughter seems to have a difficult time having her 'cup filled.'  Even after 5 (or more) minutes of games where I’m doing what she wants whether it’s the tickle monster game or a game of cards with her—something that I consider quality time —she is still needy and can’t turn it off.  Even if I’ve given the 2 minute warning, she will continue to jump all over me and then when I’ve clearly stated it’s time for bath, etc., she stomps off.  Her attitude at that point then, in my mind, negates the fun time we just had.  Even when I try to validate her feelings by saying that I know it’s hard to stop the fun, I can’t get through to her.  I do understand that she is probably trying to tell me that we need to do this more often and I am working harder at making sure we get that quality time together given school, work and life in general but at times, when I’m just spent at the end of the day, I don’t know how to respond to her need for more more more when I feel I’ve just given. " -- Amy

We can all relate to Amy's lament, right?  After all, she's just spent time focusing intensely on her child, "filling her cup".  It's the end of a long day, and it isn't easy to summon up our patience and presence to spend special time with our child, even for a few minutes.  At this point, any sane parent is moving kids toward bath and bed. After this nice interaction with Mom, shouldn't her daughter go off to her bath with a smile?

Well, maybe some children would, at least some of the time.  But many kids won't.  And if we want to get through the evening with our sanity intact, it helps to know their reasons. For instance:

1. Her cup isn't yet full.  I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but when kids are away from us all day, they need us intensely in the evening.  Five minutes of one-on-one "quality time" may not be enough for your child,  especially if she can't count on it daily.  She's finally got your undivided attention; why should she let you go?

Imagine you've been waiting for a few days for quality time with your spouse.  After five minutes of a lovely connection, your spouse says, "Sorry, we have to stop now."  You might have a hard time transitioning, too.  You might even feel hurt.

2. It wasn't quality time.  Maybe the activity was fun, and maybe your child even chose it, but maybe it didn't fill her deeper hunger to be held, adored, and wholly accepted.  Those needs are best filled through physical play, not card games, reading, or other "structured" activities. For a fail safe physical game that does fill these needs, try the "Fix"game.  But a pillow fight or wrestling or trying to take off each other's socks or any kind of roughhousing will do.  

3. It did fill her cup, but she doesn't make transitions easily.  All kids have a hard time with transitions, which is why we give them two minute warnings.  But some kids need extra help to get themselves from one activity to the next, especially when they're physically wound up from playing with us and the next activity moves them closer to bedtime.  So don't take your child's upset as a reflection on your playtime.  When you see it from her perspective -- she was just getting going! -- it's a reasonable response.  Don't let the tough transition negate the nice connection you just made.  Keep your own attitude positive. Is there a way to continue your game in some form as you get her into the tub?

4. Your quality time tapped into some big feelings that need expression.  This might be the most common reason for your child having a hard time when you disengage from close time together.  Every child grapples with challenging experiences every day, from sitting still in class to making new friends to being afraid of the dark. All day long, he stuffs those emotions until he has a safe time to process them.  When we connect deeply with our child, he feels safe enough to let those troubling emotions surface.  So it's not surprising that just when we start to disengage, he gets swamped with feelings. You'll know this is happening if your child responds with hurt and anger every time you disengage from a close time together.  That's a signal that you need to start allowing more time for your child to cry in your arms on a regular basis. 

For now, make sure you allow an extra 20 minutes for the meltdown after you've spent time connecting deeply. When she gets angry that you have to stop, stay compassionate and connected.  Be grateful that you've provided this big trigger to help her with whatever's going on inside.  This might be the most important thing you do all day. 

Acknowledge her big feelings:  "You're so upset that we have to stop playing.  You just don't feel like it's enough right now.  You're so sad.  I see your lip is quivering.  It's ok, Sweetie, come here and let me hold you.  I know you're disappointed.  Everybody needs to cry sometimes."  You'll be amazed how cooperative and affectionate she'll be after a good cry in your arms. I know it's bathtime, but this won't go on forever.  It's actually a good thing, an indication that the connection you've made is helping your child feel safe enough to go into scary emotional territory and offload some emotional baggage.

Most parents in Amy's situation get frustrated because we wonder if what we've just given our child made any difference at all.  The answer is, YES! Every bit of love and patience you extend toward your child makes a huge difference.  Don't take her reluctance to let you go as anything but a vote for more closeness, and an SOS for your help.

Finding quality time with kids is tough when we work full-time outside the home.  But that doesn't mean kids don't need it.  I think the answer is to spend more special time on weekends, and to ritualize evening time by making sure there's 15 minutes for a physical game and then 15 minutes snuggling at bedtime daily.  If it means the kids wear clothes still wrinkled out of the laundry basket, who cares?  You're giving them them the emotional foundation they need to make it through the week -- and through their lives.