Parenting Blog

My Aha Parenting Moment this week came when I picked my 13 year old up from her day camp to accompany her to get her working papers so she can be a camp counselor.  I had been on my feet all day running errands in New York city with a heavy laptop on my shoulder.  I was hot and my feet and shoulders hurt. I wasn't looking forward to two hours in line.

Now, to be fair, my daughter was distracted.  She had borrowed a friend’s Ipod and it wasn’t working – apparently someone had spilled a soda on it – and my daughter was worried she’d be blamed, and was too busy rushing to dry the ipod to explain to me what was going on.

So in that first minute of our meeting up, I couldn’t understand what she was telling me about the ipod as she rushed past me, and she was impatient with me to the point of rudeness.

“Alice,” I said, wearily,  “I’m sorry I’m not understanding you. But please don’t use that tone of voice.”

She looked taken aback.  “I’m sorry, Mom.  I didn’t mean to be rude.  Mom, are you ok?”

And that was my Aha moment.  As parents, we give 110% to our newborns, asking for nothing in return.  As each day passes, we are able to give a tiny bit less, as we allow our own needs into the mix.  As each year passes, we can expect a bit more consideration in return. And finally, we produce a child who is so considerate and emotionally mature that she is able to drop her own upset and empathize with someone else, even in the midst of her own mini-crisis. Our kids meet us halfway in the relationship.

Now, I know that my relationship with my kids will never be 50-50.  I will always, as the parent, have a bit more responsibility for making the relationship work.  But this is my second teen, so I've had this revelation before.  And it's very sweet.  YES! All that sacrifice is worth it.  All that meeting her emotional needs while working hard to keep my own feelings under control.  All those limits, set with empathy.  In fact, the more we're able to do these things with our kids, the faster they mature emotionally and get to the point where they can meet us halfway.

Of course, it’s not a straight line to maturity, and I’m don’t expect my 13 year old to be a grownup or to take care of me.  But the Aha!  is,  Who says teenagers have to be self centered and rude?

Of course, many of them are.  And I certainly can’t claim to have the most polite kids in the world.  But they are both – at 13 and just barely 18 – considerate, mature, empathic and kind.  On the rare occasions when they do forget themselves and snap at us or each other, one comment from me elicits a heartfelt apology.  We EXPECT our kids to be respectful, and they are.

The Aha?  If we meet our kids' needs 110% when they’re little, and offer them empathy and limits as they get older, we end up with teenagers who act, at least most of the time, with maturity and respect. The proof, as they say, is in the pudding.