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"Amazing how a negative message -- even if it's
unintentional -- can
inflict a sharp stab to the soul and break down a child's
spirit." --
Joanne Stern
Children rely on us to interpret the world: "That's
soft....HOT,
Don't touch!...Say Thank You.... Now let's wash our hands...
We
always... We never.... This is how we do it.....The sky is
blue...."
What happens when they hear: "You'd lose your head if it
wasn't glued
on.....That was a dumb thing to do....I'm so sick of your
....Can't
you....You never....You always.....You make me want to
scream!...I can't
stand how you...."?
What happens when they overhear: "He's not good at
that....He was so
awful today.....He's never been much of a student....He and
his sister will just never get along....You won't believe the day I've had
with that
kid....He's so irresponsible....He never does his chores
without me
hounding him.....He's always like that....."
They believe it.
Even if they don't show it, even if they act like they don't care, on some level our kids believe everything we say. But with a little forethought, you can use this to help your child. Here's how.
1. Help your child see herself. Research shows that kids' beliefs determine their behavior. When you observe something positive about your child, tell her what you see: "I notice you just keep plugging away at that... I notice you got frustrated but then you came back and tried again....I see you read that whole book yourself!...I've noticed that you are remembering to brush your teeth without being reminded most of the time now." Comment especially on any progress in the "right direction." We all need help to keep plugging away towards a new goal.
2. Empower by staying in the moment, instead of labeling. If you're offering your child guidance about something, stick to what's happening right now. "You always forget to ..." programs him to keep forgetting. "How do you think you can help yourself remember tomorrow?"
helps him become the problem solver instead of the problem. Just focus
on how he can remember this time, and he'll start to see that he's a
kid who remembers, more and more often.
Empower your child to change by helping her keep "failure" in perspective: "It didn't work out this time...That's really disappointing....What could you do next time so things work out better?"
Seeing that success and failure are the result of specific actions
helps kids try harder next time, whereas labeling kids sentences them to
repeat the past.
3. Let him overhear you saying something positive about him to someone else. He may not take it in when you say it to him, but when he overhears you saying it to someone else, he believes it.
"He's trying hard at that....She was so helpful today.....I think he's finding that focusing on his homework helps him enjoy school more....He and his sister are learning how to work things out....I just so enjoy being with her....She's taking more and more responsibility....More and more often, he does his chores without me even reminding him.....I am so blessed that I get to be her mother!"
Your child believes everything you say. And acts on it. Enough said.
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finding out the truth of some of those things! And the "you always..." thing is very damaging. My oldest is a teen and he never hears my praises. But I try to make sure he's within earshot when I tell his grandparents what a big help he is with his little
brother, how great his grades are because he's trying hard, and how responsible he's become since starting high school. When he hears this stuff, I see a boost in his self-esteem and he tries even harder. It works so much better than me nagging/lecturing him!