Parenting Blog

This has been a very tough week as my "second mom" passed away from cancer...E was battling me about homework and my stress level kept rising ...when she finally sat down to do her homework and requested a snack, I refused to cut up a mango for her.  Why?  It was a control thing. I was not willing to provide a snack while she did her homework (which I do every other day) b/c I wanted to show her that she would get a snack once she did what I wanted her to do.  Even just typing these words makes me realize how ridiculous it was.  After we both became frustrated and angry, she ran off to her room and locked the door.  I stood in my kitchen and cried.... 

Then I remembered what your reader, Kristina, wrote about how she hugged her little boy and told him that she was sorry, it had been a rough day and let’s start over.  It took a few times of me knocking and asking to come in before she let me in.  I went and sat next to her on her bed and told her that I was sorry, that it had been a hard week for me because Mrs. L had passed away and I was feeling sad. I said I hated when we fought ...I told her that I wanted to start the afternoon over again and that I thought we could play pretend. I would go out into the kitchen and when she was ready, she could come in the front door and pretend that she had just gotten home from school.  We would give each other big hugs and then she would say, 'Mommy, I’m going to go do my homework but I’m so hungry.  Could you please cut up some mango for me? She was very excited about playing pretend and it worked great!  We greeted each other with big hugs and then the homework was completed with less stress than usual and it was a better evening for all." -- Amy

Brilliant, right? 

How can you course correct when you see a collision coming....or you find yourself sitting in a pile of emotional wreckage?  Ask for a "Do Over!" Kids love pretend.  They instinctively use play to heal emotional wounds.  They love the whole idea of Do Overs. 

Here's how:

1. If you've been a less than stellar role model in the anger management department, you'll have to apologize before suggesting the Do Over.  Don't worry, your child won't lose respect for you.  She'll see that maturity means not being perfect but being willing to make amends and try harder.

2. Most kids need to discharge a little emotion before they're ready for a Do Over.  Don't be surprised if he bursts into tears and sobs, on any pretext, for awhile.  He's not only letting out his anger, but the fear of losing you that was under it.

3. Reconnect with a big hug before you suggest the Do Over. She needs to know you still love her before she's ready for play.

4. It's ok not to be perfect, but if you find yourself apologizing to your child frequently, it's a red flag.  What's wrong in your life that's making you lose it with your kid so frequently? You're the grownup, so you're the one who has to address the underlying issues so that you can give your child the best of yourself. There's no shame in asking for help. The shame is in reneging on your responsibility as a parent by damaging your child physically or psychologically.

5. Don't be surprised if your kids start asking for Do Overs when they've drawn your ire. Be generous and always let them start again. You want them practicing their best selves, it trains the subconscious to produce that good behavior as the default.

So next time you find yourself in the middle of an emotional train wreck with your kids, make your own Groundhog Day!  Have a family Do Over. And send your thanks to Kristina and Amy.