Parenting Blog

"Giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight." -- Tara Parker Pope

A new wave of research supports the view that being compassionate toward ourselves not only makes us happier, but helps us become the person we want to be.  Tara Parker-Pope's article in today's New York Times reviews this research, with particular attention to how self-compassion keeps us from over-eating.

Makes sense, right?  We know that when we feel bad, we engage in all sorts of unhealthy habits to feel better -- overeating, shopping, drinking, zoning out in front of screens.  Or we lash out, yelling at our children, snarling at our spouse.  Naturally, we feel worse.  We spiral down into self loathing.

It would be simpler, of course, if you could always just feel good and never make mistakes.  But you're human, right? By definition, that means imperfect.  So the trick is continuing to feel compassion for yourself when you make a mistake -- or when your child makes a mistake, and you attack yourself for being a bad parent. 

Of course, self-compassion takes practice.  As compassion researcher Kristin Neff says,  “The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime. People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”  

How can you develop the habit of self-compassion?

1. How compassionate are you toward yourself?

Our internal voices get installed before we're five years old. They're so much a part of our experience that we often don't notice them, any more than we notice ourselves breathing.   But how can you feel good about yourself when someone in your head is always berating you?

As you go through your day, pay attention to how you talk to yourself.  Is your internal voice loving and compassionate?  Or is it harsh and critical?

Sometimes, just bringing awareness to our internal chatter gives us the space to treat ourselves with more love. And pausing to notice those internal voices before opening our mouth means we can speak to our child with more love.

2. Transform your internal voice.

 When you notice negativity, step in to protect yourself the way you would protect your child: 

"It's ok, Sweetie.  Nobody's perfect.  You are more than enough just the way you are."

The more you confront any internal harshness, the more your compassionate voice will take over.  Sooner or later, you'll be the kind of person who smiles as you pass a mirror and says "Hey, Gorgeous!  I love you."  No, it's not corny, it's sustenance we all need.  (Well, ok, maybe it is corny, but when you can actively receive love from yourself, it's amazing how much more  love the people around you seem to offer you.)

3. See mistakes as lessons.

When your child was learning to walk, did you yell at him every time he fell down?  So why do you yell at yourself when you fall down?

Everyone makes mistakes, that's just part of being human.  In fact,  if you can learn from it, maybe it wasn't a mistake. If mistakes send you into a downward spiral, you can't learn from them. So the trick is forgiving yourself for your (inevitable) mistakes, encouraging yourself through them, and learning from them.

Notice the language you use with yourself when you make a mistake.  Instead of  “I can’t believe I did that! What an idiot!” try “That's ok, Sweetie, nobody bats 1000.  I guess it would have worked better if I had......Let’s just try that again.

Want more help to make self-compassion a habit?  Over the next few posts, I'll be sharing more practical tips. For today, what if you just gave yourself a break? 

May you and your child be blessed today with miracles, large and small.
Dr. Laura

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