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"Are you part of the problem, or part of the solution?"
We all feel the urge to blame someone when things go wrong. We seem to
think that fixing blame prevents a recurrence of the problem, or
absolves us of responsibility. In reality, blaming makes everyone
defensive, more inclined to watch their back -- and to attack -- than to
make amends.
When we blame them, kids find all kinds of
reasons it wasn't really their fault -- at least in their own minds --
so they're less likely to take responsibility and the problem is more
likely to repeat. Worse yet, It teaches them to lie to us. Blame is
simply anger looking for a target, and it never helps us toward a
solution.
We might even say that blame is the opposite of unconditional love.
So why do we do it? To help us feel less out of control, and because we can't bear the suspicion that we also had some role, however small, in creating the situation. Next time you find yourself automatically beginning to blame someone:
1. Stop. In mid-sentence, if necessary. Breathe. Stop fighting against the situation, which is what's driving you to blame someone. Instead, accept the situation. You can always come up with better solutions from a state of acceptance than a state of blame.
2. Accept any responsibility you can. It’s a good practice to overstate your responsibility – without beating yourself up. The truth is, we always have more responsibility than we'd like to admit. And the more responsibility you take, the less defensive your child feels, so the more responsibility she's likely to take in her own mind. (You're modeling, remember?)
3. Find a solution. Instead of finding fault, train yourself to find solutions. Your household will run more smoothly because you'll be focused on making things work better instead of making someone wrong. And you'll be training your child to be a problem-solver and a person who steps up to the plate and takes responsibility to make things better.
What more could you ask?
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Comments
turn back the clock. I'm in my advance years but I realized it's never too late to create a NO BLAME HOME for my loved ones. Thank you for sharing, and your article speaks nothing but LOVE.
4 y.o. does something that is probably done out of exploration but is destructive (say, gets into my make-up and smears it all over the couch during time that he's left alone while we are in another part of the house). Is it modeling to approach this as, "I
know you've been wanting to try out my make-up and I've told you we can do this together. I should have taken the time to do this with you instead of making you wait so many days for me." so...modeling or letting him off the hook? Thanks! Annie
when a child is troubled that something went wrong at school or they had a problem with a playmate or sibling -- or perhaps a parent was unresponsive. In today's society one of the greatest problems facing children is the widespread predator community -- a
community that can no longer be ignored. Parents need to understand that child predators 1) have infiltrated every stratum of our society 2) work in groups, 3) intend to profit personally and financially from their victims, 4) seek parents' trust and cooperation
5) intimidate children with threats of reprisal if they tell their parents, and 6) know how to traumatize a young child so the child actually forgets what was done to them. Bottom line -- one of the first keys to successful parenting is to protect children.
Much abuse occurs at the homes of close relatives and trusted friends and neighbors. Serious abuse occurs at school, at camps, and at sleep overs. Child safety is rapidly disintegrating. I question the validity of any report that suggests that abuse is declining.
It is more likely that the predtors have simply gotton more sophisticated in their methods.