Parenting Blog

I'm a fan of the book the Continuum Concept, and I follow a parenting list dedicated to the principles outlined in that book.  I'm often moved to tears by the wisdom and eloquence of the parents on the list.

Today, one mom wrote in asking for opinions from other parents about a tickling incident between her husband and three year old daughter.  Mom's concern was that the game ended when Dad put a blanket over Daughter's head, which terrified her so that she "cried bloody murder."  Mom suspected Dad was using the blanket to "teach consequences" and it made her uneasy.  I was moved to respond to her.

I hear your uneasiness. Having a blanket put over one's head could be a terrifying experience.  I can't imagine doing that to "set a limit" on a child's behavior, or to "teach consequences" because it has nothing to do with the behavior.  It is a retaliation of force, and a scary one.

If the blanket was not being used to "teach consequences" and was just part of the rough-housing, and your daughter got scared, and your husband understands that and would not play that game again, then it makes more sense.  But it seems like an odd game to play. 

I notice that many parents are at a loss for how to rough-house with kids.  We end up falling back on the kinds of physical games our parents played with us. Unfortunately, many of those games are power games in which the adult reinforces his or her power, so they aren't good for kids.  They can also be disrespectful.

Rough-housing is great for kids and parents, because it helps release emotions and create connection.  It can also help kids to feel powerful.  That's a great antidote to so much of their daily experience, which often makes them feel small and powerless.  There are lots of great games which help kids process their emotions and get to experience themselves as strong and powerful, like letting them push you over, or chasing them but being a bumbler who can't catch them. Kids giggle and sweat and love these games, and ask for them over and over.   (For more ideas:  Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection & Emotional Intelligence.)

But tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless.  The child may seem to be having fun, but she can't HELP laughing. When you think about it, the adult is completely in control and the child loses the ability to stand up for herself.  Many kids end up out of breath, begging for the parent to stop tickling -- and not all parents do stop.  Many adults have unpleasant memories of being tickled past the point of it being enjoyable, and being unable to stop the tickling.  I wonder about your daughter, when you say that sometimes her laughter seems forced.

So why do kids initiate tickle games?  Kids need to feel physically close to us.  They love to tussle.  They love to giggle.  When tickling has been a way for parents to enjoy their children, often the child will begin to ask to be tickled.  Sometimes kids will tell you that's how they get to be silly and have fun with their parents.  But I have seen that when parents begin to initiate other kinds of physical play, kids stop being interested in tickling.  I wouldn't go so far as to say that it's always disrespectful to tickle, but most kids don't actually like the experience of being tickled.

Talking to your husband about this seems essential.  Just as a way to check out what happened, and why.   If licking isn't ok with him, then why not just set that limit -- "I don't want to be licked" -- and initiate a different game?  Why would he respond as if it was part of a game they were playing, and tickle her when she licked, which would naturally provoke more licking? 

It sounds like maybe it was ok for him to be licked at first, and he was enjoying the game, but he began to not enjoy it, so he ended the game with the blanket.  If that's the case, then he might like to talk with you a bit about how he can just end a game like that, when your daughter is being rambunctious and doesn't want to stop, but he's had enough. 

And maybe he needs to know that he doesn't have to put up with the licking at all if he doesn't like it.  There are plenty of other great games he can play to roughhouse with your daughter that both of them can enjoy.  I'd love to hear from other parents who could share their own fun, respectful, physical games for when kids are high-spirited.