Parenting Blog

"Did you let him play in the rain? Catch tadpoles at the creek? Did he see museums and movies, plays and magic shows? Was he allowed to get dirty, taste the snow, wade into the freezing cold surf, bury his sister in the sand? Was he taught to be kind, to think of others? Did you make his home a soft place for him to land when he falls? To read? To relax? Chase a dream, develop a passion? Did you ever just hang out in the backyard hoping to see a shooting star, look for owls, go fishing at dusk, or hike an incredible hike? " -- Sherri Kuhn

"You don’t have to be a Yale professor to know that working to achieve someone else’s idea of happiness won’t lead to your own."-- Margaret Boykin

What are we teaching our children about what matters?  How do we define success?  Does it matter that we raise a high-achieving child if that child isn't thriving emotionally?

These are questions every parent needs to explore, lest our fears cause us, like Amy Chua, to sacrifice our children's well-being in a misguided attempt to help them succeed. 

After I wrote about Amy Chua last week, one of my readers pointed out that 13 of the 21 Cornell suicides between 1996 and 2006 were Asian American students.  That's 62% of the suicides, even though only  14% of the students at Cornell are Asian Americans.

But no one school or group has a monopoly on pressure.  The frequency of depression among high school kids has doubled in the past five years; those from wealthier suburban communities with more AP classes are more likely to be depressed.  And suicide rates are rising rapidly among high school as well as college students. 15% of American high school students say they have considered suicide, and 7% say they've attempted it.

What's going on here?  Stress.  Teenagers in the US today get much less sleep, and report much more stress than past generations. In surveys, kids say they're more stressed by school pressure than by family problems or bullying. 

The New York Times reported a few days ago that the mental health of college freshmen — who enter college stressed out from  the pressures of high school — has declined to its lowest level since we started collecting data on it 25 years ago.  College freshmen are already worried about their GPAs, so they can graduate and land good jobs and become successful.  

Is this really how we want to raise our children?  

Some people believe this is just the price we have to pay to raise successful kids.  But maybe we need to reconsider our definition of success. 

I personally believe that each of us is born with unique gifts to contribute to the world.  If we follow our passions, we'll find that gift that makes us come most alive. So my idea of successful parenting is raising a happy, healthy person who makes the world a better place just by being herself and contributing her unique gifts.

That might mean our child becomes a violin maker, or a gardener, or a teacher.  These professions may not be rewarded financially as well as some others, but you can certainly have a comfortable, meaningful, rich life.  And research shows that money doesn't make us happy.  We never wish, on our deathbeds, that we'd had more of it. 

But even if you don't agree with me,  and you think financial success is essential to your child's happiness, you'll be interested to hear that achievement in worldly terms doesn't depend on high school honor rolls or Ivy league colleges.  In fact, achievement is only minimally correlated with college grades.  High achievement is correlated with:

1. Loving what we do, which drives us in a positive way and gives us early expertise in whatever we're passionate about.

2. Understanding and getting along with other people, whether bosses, employees, peers, funders, or customers.

3. Emotional intelligence that allows us to manage ourselves productively.

4. The ability to problem solve and think creatively.  (Which, as the founders of Google can tell you, has nothing to do with test scores.)

That's the kind of success I want for my kids.  How about you?

Tomorrow: Raising kids who thrive.