Parenting Blog

“If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging."
-- Diane Loomans

Today we're exploring the 8th commitment from 10 Commitments that Will Make You a More Inspired Parent -- and a Happier Person -- in 2010:

Commit to focusing on what’s important.

It's easy to find fault with our kids. That's because they're human, but it's also because they're immature, by definition. If we wanted, we could spend all day carping at them. In fact, studies show that most of what parents say to kids is corrective, rather than connective.

But because our kids so desperately need our energy (which for them translates as interest, or a guarantee that we won't abandon them), every time we give them energy, they repeat the behavior that elicited the interaction. Even if it's negative!

What's more, every negative interaction with your child uses up valuable relationship capital and hardens your child's heart to you just a little bit. Which means you have less and less influence over your kid's behavior, since she doesn't care as much about pleasing you.

Life is too short to spend it struggling with your child.  Why not do more hugging and less tugging? It's better for both of you.  Your kid will still come out okay -- in fact, better!  How?

• Focus on what matters and choose your battles, such as the way your child treats her siblings. In the larger scheme of things, her jacket on the floor may drive you crazy, but it probably isn’t worth putting your relationship bank account in the red over.
• Be overtly grateful for every single thing she does that you like, and you’ll find her doing lots more of those things.


• Maintain a ten to one ratio of positive to negative interactions with your child. Minimum.
• Remember, they're acting like kids because they ARE kids. You weren't perfect, either, I'm betting -- and you came out ok, right?
• Stay positive. Celebrate every step in the right direction, and your child will want to take more of those steps.
• When in doubt, choose love. Love never fails.