Parenting Blog

"An impressive body of scientific research has shown that the more we reward people for doing something, the more they tend to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward. Now the point isn’t to draw, to read, to think, to create – the point is to get the goody, whether it’s an ice cream, a sticker, or a 'Good job!'"-- Alfie Kohn

If you think you should always praise your kids, you may be surprised to hear that studies show praise often backfires.

We know that rewards rob kids of the joy inherent in an accomplishment.  For instance, kids who receive money for grades stop taking joy in a job well done and operate in single-minded pursuit of the monetary reward, even to the point of being more likely to cheat.

But it turns out that praise, given its potency as a reward, has similar effects. Kids who are praised for eating vegetables learn that vegetables aren't inherently delicious -- they need to come with a spoonful of sugar in the form of praise.  Kids who are praised for reading learn that reading isn't inherently rewarding -- so they're less likely to read independently.  And kids who are praised for sharing begin to share less when they think adults aren't watching, because they have apparently learned from the praise that no one in their right mind would share out of the goodness of their heart.

Maybe worst of all, studies show that kids who are praised a lot conclude that someone is constantly evaluating their performance.  They become much more insecure about expressing their own ideas and opinions, worried about whether they will measure up. 

Positive evaluations, like "What a smart boy!" sabotage children.  Kids who are told they're smart don't want to disprove it, so they avoid situations in which they may not appear smart, such as learning new things they might have to work at. They often simply give up at a task they could master with a little effort. (By contrast, when we comment on kids' effort -- "You are really working at that" -- they work harder.)

To review, Praise:
1. Robs kids of their joy in their accomplishments.
2. Makes it less likely that they will independently practice the behaviors they are praised for.
3. Undermines kids' self-confidence and teaches them to look for outside feedback to feel ok.
4. Keeps kids from applying themselves for fear they won't live up to the praise.

But that doesn't mean you can't engage positively with your child.  The key is unconditional positive regard -- seeing your child and saying what you see -- rather than conditional praise.
 

Join me for this hour-long live Teleseminar on Praise - Tomorrow!

Why Praise Sabotages Your Child....And What To Say Instead
Wednesday May 25
(Noon ET/11amCT/ 10am MT/ 9am PT)

• How to give your child feedback that helps her take responsibility for herself.
• How to give feedback that helps your child improve -- without criticizing.
• "But Mommy, do you like my painting?" Practical suggestions for handling feedback in daily life.

Dr Laura Markham will host this teleseminar live.  Give yourself the support you need, to be the best parent you can be! Every participant gets a chance to ask their own parenting questions.  All calls are taped so you can download them to listen again -- and share with your spouse.

For More Information or To Register.