Parenting Blog

"She values instilling a kind of accomplishment in children based on repetition and rote memorization, far more than she values instilling decency, empathy, creativity and open-mindedness. If she wanted to create humans who could score in a high percentile on a standardized test, well, she certainly did her best. But this kind of accomplishment-by-the-numbers is not the same thing as the spark of genius--and it's certainly not the same thing as decency and kindness, which is what one should focus on instilling in children, geniuses or otherwise. In that regard, she's no more to be lauded than the stereotypical sports father who cares more about his son turning out to be the next Peyton Manning than turning out to be an independent, thoughtful adult." – John Freeman

Amy Chua's name is enough to start most parents ranting.  Her book touched a raw nerve in our culture, and I'm grateful to her for raising some critical questions.  Although most parents wouldn't threaten to burn their child's stuffed animals to motivate them to learn a difficult piano piece, many of us secretly wonder if we're tough enough on our kids.  We assume that if we were more strict, maybe our kids would be more perfect.  After all, aren't Chua's daughters amazing?

Well, maybe not.  Yes, they are accomplished young women.  But by Chua's personal account, her daughters were called "Garbage" by their own mother. She threatened to burn their stuffed animals if they didn't learn to her satisfaction.  She denied them food, water and bathroom breaks for hours while they tried to master tricky piano pieces. She threw the birthday cards they made her (ages 4 and 7) in their faces, saying she expected more effort. The love Amy Chua's children received from her depended on their never making mistakes, at least on schoolwork, birthday cards and piano concertos. Her husband told her that the way she pressured her daughters took all the breathing room out of their house.  By the age of 13, her youngest daughter began smashing glasses in a restaurant, screaming "I hate you, I hate my life!"

I'm hoping that these kids also received some love and support, and that Chua presented a controversial picture to spur book sales.  But no matter what else positive happened in their household, Chua's own description is sufficient to make me cringe.  My heart breaks for these girls, because I've read enough case histories to know there will be therapy bills and prozac in their future, and maybe much worse.  At best, they won't be much good at enjoying life.  But then, that's how their mother describes herself, and she claims her goal was to raise her kids the way she was raised, so clearly she didn't think enjoying life was an important part of the human job description.

It's easy to see Amy Chua as a monster, but the truth is, I see Ms. Chua in myself.  The part of me that doesn't feel like I'm good enough needs my children to be perfect.  But rather than letting that part of me ride roughshod over my children, I've spent my life learning to heal it.  I try hard -- not always successfully -- not to visit my own fears on my kids.  The difference between Ms. Chua and me is that I don't rationalize the self indulgence that does slip through as being for my children's benefit.

There is nothing new about parents wanting what is best for their children, and taking extreme measures to help their kids become successful. Like so many parents before her, Ms. Chua has a limited understanding of child psychology, so while she may have insured that her kids were successful in some ways (playing a perfect sonata on the piano), her methodology almost certainly undermined her kids' emotional development and future happiness.  I guess the question is,  what's your goal in parenting? 

Mine is to raise children who are happy, healthy, loving people who make the world a better place just by being themselves and contributing their unique gifts.  By definition, that means giving them a foundation of unshakable self-love.  All learning and achievement is ultimately built on that unconditional positive feeling about ourselves.  Without it, even the highest level of accomplishment can never be enough to convince us that we're good enough. Do we really think that Amy Chua's daughters feel like they're "good enough" deep inside, when their mother told them they were garbage?

But there is something we can learn from Amy Chua.  I think our confusion about four critical questions is at the core of our fascination with her:

1.  Where is the sweet spot between permissive and strict?

2.  How do children develop self-esteem?

3.  What will happen to our kids if they don't achieve?

4.  What's the best way to help our children achieve?

Chua wouldn't have set off such a furor if we were clear about these issues.  They deserve our collective consideration. 

Over the next few days, I'll be exploring each of these issues in turn.  For today, why not think about your own definition of success?  We could all use a little clarity on that. And what better topic for a dinner table discussion?