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"Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm overwhelmed with some big feelings here....I don't know what to do with them...They're bubbling up inside me and I feel so scared and sad and mad...I'll do anything to make these feelings go away, including hit someone...No, don't you come close offering me hugs...that would send me right into tears...I can't bear all that sadness...It must be your fault I'm feeling all these bad feelings....I'll drive you away by any means necessary!"

Don't you wish your child could just TELL you he's feeling this way, instead of screaming "I hate you, you're the worst mother in the world!"?

But when your child is acting out, it's because he CAN'T tell you about those feelings. So he "acts them out."  It's his way of sending you an SOS. 

So next time your child misbehaves, remind yourself that you're his emotion coach. He doesn't understand these big feelings that are overwhelming him and driving his bad behavior. He needs your help to feel those tears and fears he's been stuffing all day, all week, all year. Once you help him feel safe enough to let those feelings up and out, they'll melt away. He'll feel so much better. Which means he'll act so much better.

How?  Empathize. "You are so upset....You didn't want....You wish....Do I have that right?"

That might be enough to get him cooperating. Or maybe he'll launch into an anguished account of how unfair life is, and you are. Just listen, nod, and acknowledge. "So you feel like I'm being unfair when..... No wonder you're upset.... You wish I would....." You don't have to change your decision. Just acknowledge. Then give him a hug and say "Sweetie, Thanks for explaining that to me. I see your view now and I see why you're upset.... I'm sorry we can't do it your way. This is the way it is this time, because it's important to me that ..... But I do hear you. Let me think about this, and we'll talk about it again."

Often, just feeling understood is enough to defuse your child's upset. Over time, as she learns that you really will think about it and look for win/win solutions, she'll be more likely to go along with your requests at this point.

But what if her response to your empathy is to get more upset? That just means the feelings are big and she needs your help to go through them. How? Play when you can, Cry when you have to.

1. Play.  Giggling vents the same anxieties (which means fears and stresses) that crying does.  And it's so much more fun!  Every child needs a roughhousing session of giggling every day, just for emotional maintenance. 

Physical play releases oxytocin and other bonding hormones, so it reconnects you with your child and repairs the erosion in your relationship that's caused by daily life. If the giggling comes from games that help your child process fears (like peekaboo or chase games), it also works directly on any backlog of emotion. And if your child is acting up, sometimes keeping your sense of humor and setting the limit playfully is enough to help her feel reconnected, so she wants to cooperate. "Whoa, Girlfriend! Shoes don't go on the couch! What do you think this is, a barn? Moooo....Mooo.....!" might be the perfect playful intervention to get your kid laughing as she takes her shoes off and begins making animal noises with you. Crisis averted, connection repaired.

(Please note: Tickling doesn't seem to provide this release; it's automatic physiology, as opposed to the psychological process when mild fear releases through giggling. And tickling, even when children giggle, often makes kids feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can't HELP laughing. If your child begs for tickling, try "threatening" to tickle.)

2. Cry. But what if your child is so wound-up that your playful overtures make him mad? Then he's past the point where play can help.  It's time to cry. 

Behind that anger, tears are already welling up.  If you can help him feel safe enough, he'll go past the anger to the healing tears that will wash away all his upset. 

How do you help him feel safe?  Compassion.  Don't take anything he says personally.  Get in touch with your deep love for him and summon up as much kindness as you can.  Then empathize "It's so hard, I know.....I'm sorry,  Honey."

He may yell back at you. That's okay. Stay compassionate. "You must be so upset, Sweetie. What's wrong?"  If you can stay compassionate, rather than attacking back, he will probably burst into tears.  Welcome them.  Hold him, if he'll let you. Don't try to talk. Breathe and remind yourself that your role is to help him cry by providing an emotional safe space. Talking would shut off the tears, and he needs to get them out.

If he stops crying, remind him of whatever limit is making him angry: "I'm so sorry we can't do that right now."  As long as he's crying, your goal is to tap into as much upset as you can, to help him empty that full backpack of feelings that have been making him so demanding or rigid.

Should you reprimand him for rudeness? No. Just create safety. Later, he'll probably apologize without prompting.

I know, your childhood training didn't really prepare you for this.  You were probably told to stop crying when you were little--maybe not so sweetly.  So your child's crying makes you anxious. 

But emotions only go away once we feel them.  Until we do, they're stuck in the body, bubbling up and driving behavior. So your child really needs you to accept his emotions and help him breathe his way through them.  That's the path back to his natural sense of well-being and connection, the only foundation from which he can "act right."

Your child can't tell you this.  But next time he acts out, you'll know.

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Wednesday, March 06, 2013 | Permalink | Blog Home
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Anonymous commented on 22-Mar-2012 09:50 AM
Another great article, thanks so much! Just one question regarding the child acting out - would you still follow the below steps if her acting out is driven by jealousy? Would playing still work to unburden the child's emotions if I involve her little
sister too, e.g. chasing the upset child while holding the baby, etc.
Anonymous commented on 22-Mar-2012 10:37 AM
Thank you for pointing out that tickling isn't helpful in this situation. I often tickle my child in an attempt to cheer him up but now I can see that it is probably making things worse... we already battle over control and power. I don't want him to feel
Kalynn commented on 22-Mar-2012 03:13 PM
This post makes a lot of sense to me. My two year old craves roughhousing sessions! We play a game of hide and seek/chase but I don't think it's rough housing. I feel like I could do more but I don't know what to do. What would be some appropriate rough
housing games for me and my 2 year old son?
lynda m o commented on 22-Mar-2012 03:18 PM
Excellent description, thanks for posting.
Laurie Cooper commented on 22-Mar-2012 03:51 PM
Great info! We all want to be heard and understood - even little ones.
Sheila commented on 23-Mar-2012 06:58 AM
For some kids, tickling is exactly the release they need. Not because it makes them giggle, though. I think it's just the physical interaction. All I know is, I have a son who's very physical but not very snuggly. He's always climbing on me and pulling
on me when I would rather he just sit quietly in my lap and snuggle. I finally broke through with tickling. He NEEDS at least one good tickling session a day, and the invasive climbing and pulling behavior is greatly reduced or disappears. The important thing
is to leave him in control of how much tickling he's getting and when it stops. I give him one good tickle and then no more until he asks for more ... I don't want him to feel overwhelmed or get so he can't breathe. He usually demands "more belly blows! more
neck nuzzles!" or even grabs my hand and tries to make it tickle him. My mom says my sister is the same way. She was crying and crabby one day, and my mom asked her, "What do you need?!" My sister said, "I just need to be tickled! You haven't tickled me at
all today!" My mom tickled her and she cheered right up. So I wouldn't leave tickles out of the list of things that can help prevent tantrums. They're a delightful part of my parenting arsenal.
Chris White commented on 23-Mar-2012 06:11 PM
I am so glad to FINALLY find such a nuanced perspective. And great writing at the same time! I will just add one last thing since I am guessing you have a very conscious parenting audience: You can also try simply staying centered in your own feelings
and experience. Sometimes kids need a little space from us always "doing something" with their emotions and experience. One day Kai was acting up and I knew he was hurting and he had resisted all my attempts to help "move the energy and emotion." I let him
go about his business mucking with things, I sat down on the couch and began to tear up. I felt pain in my heart because I knew he was hurting. And now I was hurting too and feeling powerless and the hard truth of this sometimes painful human existence. Seeing
my tears he came over and said, "What's wrong daddy?" "I am a little sad..." I started. And this lead to him cuddling up quietly with me and us just sitting and holding each other for a beautiful eternity. When the final exhales came, we were so much closer
and somehow "healed up" a little from the silent togetherness. I thank the great Mystery for all the paths it provides back to Love.
Hadyn commented on 27-Mar-2012 09:01 PM
Why didn't I discover your website 3 years ago!?!?? My two oldest sons would have benefitted even sooner than they will now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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