Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura, I appreciate all the emails about how to stay calm and inspired. I find they really help.But what about those times when my kid does something really awful -- and deserves what's coming to him?! Won't he misinterpret it if I stay calm then? How do I teach him a lesson?" – Claudine

Well, let’s double click on this.  We know children act awful when they feel awful inside.  So we want to stop the awful behavior, but we also want to stop the awful feelings.

And we probably need to think about how people learn lessons. What happens when you really blow it?  Let’s say you get a parking ticket. Or somehow lose your credit card as I did this week.  Or forget something really important at work, that endangers your job.  Does it help when your spouse or boss yells at you?

If you're intent on punishing your child, you'll be interested to know that research shows kids don't behave better when they're yelled at or punished.  Like the rest of us, kids who feel threatened go into "fight" or "flight" mode. Learning shuts off.  Eventually, if it becomes a regular occurrence, they develop new negative behaviors -- lying, sneakiness, tuning us out, disrespect. So when we yell at or punish kids, we don't prevent a recurrence of the behavior.  In fact, we lose influence with our child.

And we all know that when our child is upset, we make things worse if we "lose it."  When we're able to regulate our own behavior and stay calm, our child's emotions stabilize too, and he's more able to get himself back under control.

I'm not suggesting you just let your kid act awful, not for one minute.  I'm suggesting you adopt a strategy that will actually change his behavior.  I know it isn't as satisfying as yelling when you're angry.  But long term, it's a lot more gratifying in every way.

So, (you guessed it!) start by calming yourself down.  Then:

1. Meet your child's deeper needs. All behavior comes from the attempt to meet basic needs. What's causing this problem behavior? Is it a need for more connection from us?  More control over his life?  More recognition?  A more orderly, peaceful home? Clear, empathic limits? More sleep? Does he simply need to cry and let out some big emotions that are scaring him?  Your child's deepest need, second only to food, water and air, is his connection with you.  When kids feel connected, they WANT to "act right."

2. Help your child develop a competing impulse. For instance, If she wants to clobber her little brother, strengthen their relationship so she feels more protective of him.  (And in the meantime, be aware that pediatricians say never to leave a child under the age of five alone with a little one.) If she lies to you, explain that every lie cuts a cord in her relationship to you, and adopt a new style of discipline that doesn't push kids into lying from fear. 

3. Help your child develop a new habit.  You're justifiably angry if that's the second jacket she's lost this spring.  But if you want her to remember something, whether it's her jacket or brushing her teeth, help her develop routines to insure she develops the habit.

 4. Work with your child to find a win/win solution.  This is where you get your own need met, by making things different. Tell your child his action upset you and you want to work together to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's the recurring problems that most often push us to the breaking point, so it's worth solving them. And the only kind of solution that reliably lasts between humans is one that meets the needs of both people.  No, you're not giving in. You're not backing off your own need, remember?  You’re getting your own need met, AND teaching your child how to have a good relationship with another person – by finding win/win solutions.

5. Wait.  Most problem behavior, from tantrums in the grocery store to missing curfew, is age-appropriate.  You'll be pleased to know that by next year he'll have outgrown whatever problem behavior is driving you crazy -- and will have found several new ones!

It's fine to show our kids we’re upset, as long as we don't attack them.  But instead of modeling temper tantrums, we can model healthy emotional self-management, compassion, and problem-solving.  Rather than railing against our child, we take responsibility as the grown up.  We work with our child to solve the problem. That's how our child really learns lessons -- the most important ones!  And that’s the kind of parenting all kids should have coming.