Parenting Blog

"Positive and negative reinforcement gets temporary compliance.  But what are kids actually learning? ...We rarely ask parents to consider how these techniques for changing behavior - you know, for getting kids to stop being rude or start using the potty, or whatever - might actually get in the way of our long-term goals, like wanting our children to grow into responsible, caring, happy people." -- Alfie Kohn

What do you want for your child?  If you're like most of the parents I meet, you want your child to thrive -- to be a happy, considerate kid who exercises good judgment, and grows into a happy adult who has the skills to succeed in relationships, work and sharing his unique gifts with the world.

Every parent can raise that kid.  But most don't. 

The sad truth is that many parents who love their kids handicap them.  How?  We parent on auto-pilot.  We follow conventional parenting advice because that's what everyone around us does, and we assume those platitudes are true.  You know the ones I mean, about teaching kids lessons, using tough love so we don't spoil our kid, praising kids to show them we love them.  But all of those conventional parenting methods backfire.  Because they're about controlling kids' behavior rather than facilitating their growth, they don't help kids grow into their best selves.

What should a parent do instead? Stop worrying about controlling your kid and start relating. Listen to those inner whispers about what your child needs.  Have age-appropriate expectations.  Drop conventional discipline and start finding win/win solutions. Take care of yourself so you aren't venting on your child. And love, unconditionally -- yourself as well as your child. Love never fails.