Parenting Blog

Paul Tough's recent NY Times Magazine article  "The Character Test" caught the attention of many parents. Tough argues that the experience of failure--as opposed to our current focus on academics--is the key to helping kids develop the grit they need to succeed. Tough's implicit stance against the ideal of perfect academic performance, especially as measured by testing, is welcome.  Every parent knows this, and also knows that a healthy society depends on our raising children of character -- caring, responsible citizens who exhibit honesty, fairness, and integrity.

Despite his title and his frequent references to "character," Tough doesn’t seem much interested in how we might raise children of character.  His real question seems to be, "What's the role of grit--the self regulation, perseverance and passion that helps us achieve a long-term goal--in helping kids achieve success, and how can we go about teaching that to kids?"  It's a terrific question, but Tough comes up with the wrong answer.   It isn't failure that helps kids develop grit.  It's emotional intelligence.

Self-regulation is a foundation of emotional intelligence, not of what we usually think of as character. Current research shows that kids learn to self-regulate during early parent-child interactions, from which the child learns to soothe his anxiety and manage his emotions.   And--importantly--while we can continue to develop better self-regulation throughout our lives, our basic capacity seems largely to be shaped in early childhood.  Our neural circuitry and the reactivity of our amygdala, which determine our ability to manage our anxiety and over-ride our strong emotions, are shaped in the home.  All parents know this, although we often try to suppress the knowledge.  Every teacher knows that telling kids (and adults) to control themselves meets with limited success.

This is not to say that schools don't have a role to play.  The reasoning part of the brain continues developing into our twenties, and while it's a laborious process, humans can rewire their brains to make up for earlier deficits. Tough describes a teen who manages to regulate her emotions well enough to avoid a mini-meltdown in the classroom.  She succeeds!  But Tough's example of this child's steady progress towards self-discipline directly contradicts his assertion that kids need failure to learn.

I suppose Tough is saying that when we miss the mark, we learn how to aim better next time.  But we can say with even greater confidence that when we successfully hit the mark, we can aim at a more difficult target the next time.  Small successes feed confidence, which feeds bigger successes.  Again, failing does not breed success.  Emotional intelligence breeds success, both because it keeps failure in perspective, and because children begin to think of themselves as successful in overcoming adversity.

I don't mean to disagree entirely with Tough.  He quite rightly points out that Grit is more predictive of academic success and high achievement than conventional measures like college-board scores.   Angela Duckworth, who originated the concept, has even developed a measure to reliably assess Grit with just 12 questions. Consider what answers to “I finish whatever I begin” or  “I often set a goal but later choose to pursue a different one” can tell us.

I'm a fan of Duckworth, and I enjoyed Tough's wanderings until he summed up the piece with a quote from Riverdale Country School Headmaster Dominic Randolph: "The idea of building self-control is that you get that through failure." 

I know this chestnut surfaces regularly in laments about how "kids today" haven't had to deal with sufficient adversity, and so aren't self-disciplined.  This is silly, and contradicted by a large body of research on how kids actually become resilient, persistent, and able to achieve their goals.  Self-control is not developed through failure.  It is developed through the experience of managing one's emotions, anxieties, attention and stamina in order to work hard to triumph over increasingly difficult obstacles or goals.

A child who is emotionally intelligent may fail at a given task, and he may learn from it, but that is not what gives him the grit to keep trying.  And all a child who is emotionally fragile learns from failure is that he is the kind of person who fails.

To really raise children with grit means raising resilient children. I'm here to tell you that if you want a child who demonstrates these traits, we know how to get them.  Here's how children build self-control and inner discipline -- true grit.

1. They cry as infants and are soothed by parents.  This helps them develop the neural circuitry to calm their anxiety, which is essential to self-control as they get older.

2. They securely attach to at least one adult, which makes them WANT to "behave" for that adult -- the beginning of self-discipline.

3. Their parents set limits on their behavior, but do so with empathy.  This allows the child to internalize the limit, so he can consider other alternatives to pursue his desires, which is the beginning of resilience and perseverance.

4. They see that their parents genuinely enjoy them, and care about their happiness, which helps them develop the stable internal happiness they need to stay centered in the face of setbacks.

5. Their OWN passions are validated and encouraged throughout childhood.  Grit--that quality of not giving up as we pursue something about which we're passionate--depends on the child working hard to accomplish her own goals, whether that's mastering a jump shot, short story, recipe or camping trip.  

And this is why the mania about standardized testing is so misplaced.  We cannot expect young people to be passionate about "achievement" when we've defined it as sacrificing their curiosity and personal passions in order to do well on tests.

But no child will have the grit to succeed in reaching difficult goals if she lacks emotional intelligence, as she will be too anxious, needy and uncertain to sustain such a pursuit.  As Randolph points out, "The push on tests is missing out on some serious parts of what if means to be a successful human."  I couldn't agree more.   Successful humans start out as cared-for, emotionally intelligent children.  That's how they develop true grit.