Parenting Blog

“Although few parents purposely raise their children to lead lives of quiet desperation, the parent who raises her child without taking the time to know his heart may discover that she unwittingly led him straight down this path.” – Laura Ramirez

I shouldn’t have to remind my children to do what’s right. They should know by now.

Of course. But knowing what’s right and wanting to do what’s right are two different things.

My children should WANT do right. Their good intentions should win out over their darker impulses.

Of course. But do yours, always?  How long did it take you to WANT to do right? Do you ALWAYS do right?

But I’ve taught my children what’s right. Why can’t they do what I say?

Because for us humans to do right, our hearts need to WANT to.  That's the secret of free will -- it starts in the heart. The more unhappy your child’s heart, the more unhappy her behavior.

Why’s her heart so unhappy?  She knows I love her. What’s her problem?

Human hearts are 100% a product of our experiences in the world, which aren’t wholly positive, even for the luckiest person. Who among us feels 100% lovable, that we’re more than enough, exactly as we are?

How do I change my child’s heart, then?

By embracing your child and accepting him exactly as he is. Stop sending him the message that he has to change to be ok.  Once his heart stops struggling for a foothold, it can relax into love.  Humans who feel good about themselves WANT to do right.

I don’t have time for all this “heart” stuff. Why can’t my kid just behave?

Your kid can “just behave,” as soon as his heart can choose love. Your choice is to help that process, or hinder it. We don’t have to like the way humans are built, but like ignoring the laws of gravity, ignoring the way humans are put together doesn't give us the best results.

I think kids should just behave. 

As a parent, I often do too.  But as a mentor to my children, I want the best long-term result, not the best short-term result. That comes from going beyond the behavior to the heart. 

It shouldn’t be so hard to make my child change.

Actually, it’s impossible to make anyone except yourself change. But the minute you change, everyone around you changes.

This is a dark view of human behavior.  It means I can't control my child.

Actually, it's a supremely optimistic view.  True, you can never really control anyone -- those are the rules of engagement.  But there is no limit to your heart's ability to love your child, or anyone else.  The heart is the source of all miracles.