Parenting Blog

Guest Blog by Jane Nelsen,
author of Positive Discipline 
www.positivediscipline.com

Listen to Jane Nelsen live on Dr. Laura Markham's radio show!

Wednesday June 24
MyExpertSolution.com
(9amPT/10amMT/11amCT/NoonET)

Adults train children to not listen.

Sorry, but this is another case where adults need to look at their own behavior. Lecturing is a great way to train children to not listen.  Too often adults tell, tell, tell, (lecture, lecture, lecture).  They tell children what happened, what caused it to happen, how they should feel about it, and what they should do about it.  This is a threatening experience for children and they learn to take care of themselves by shutting down or rebelling (talking back). 

How do you feel when someone lectures to you? My guess is that you feel inadequate, defensive, or downright rebellious. Why would children feel any different?  Don’t back talk back. “Don’t you talk to me in that tone of voice!” It doesn’t help if you talk back to your children when they talk back to you. Again, you are modeling the opposite of what you are trying to teach.

Suggestions:
1.  Remember that children will listen to you AFTER they feel listened to. So the first thing you can do to train children to listen is to MODEL listening.
2.  Use reflective listening or active listening. Reflective listening is when you reflect back what you heard (without sounding like a parrot). “You don’t want to take a nap.” “You are angry because she hit you.” “You find it annoying when I nag you about your homework.” Active listening is when you listen between the lines and make some guesses about what the child is feeling and then check it out to see if you are correct. “You hit Julie because it made you mad when she took your toy.”
3.  Validate feelings. Both reflective and listening are ways of validating feelings. You can also simply say, “I understand. I think I would feel that way too.”
4.  Once children feel listened to, they are more willing to listen to you. Then you can follow up by getting the child involved in problem-solving. “I understand that you are angry, and what you feel is always okay. However what you DO is another matter. It is okay to feel angry, and it is not okay to hit others. How could you express your anger without hitting or talking disrespectfully?”
5.  Brainstorm options WITH children. If they have a hard time getting started, it is okay for you to start the brainstorming. “How about using your words? How about putting the problem on the family meeting agenda to get some help from others?
How about asking Julie if she would use the Wheel of choice (available as a free download at www.focusingonsolutions.com) with you to find a solution.”
6.  Instead of telling, ask what and how questions. Remember that education is derived from the Latin word educaré, which means to “draw forth.” Lectures are an attempt to "stuff in."
7.  Lectures are especially ineffective with children under the age of four. They are not developmentally able to absorb and understand lectures they way adults think they can, yet they can be left with a feeling of doubt and shame (discouragement that can lead to misbehavior.) The following suggestions are best for children under four.
8.  When you must give directions, use fewer words, one word is best. “Naptime, cleanup time.”
9.  Use nonverbal signals: point at what needs to be done. Smile, but don't say a word.
10.  Use action. Take the child by the hand and lead her, kindly and firmly, to the task that needs to be done.
11.  When you have created routine charts with children, you can ask them when is next on the routine instead of telling them.
12.  Children may listen carefully when you whisper so they have to listen to hear you. Try it.
13.  Have regular family meetings where all members, including parents, listen to each other and focus on solutions instead of blame.
14.  Be respectful when you make requests. Don’t expect children to do something “right now” when you are interrupting something they are doing. Ask, “Would you like to take a break and do this now, or is twenty minutes? You decide.” Adding, “You decide,” is very empowering. If they choose twenty minutes, ask, “Would you like to set the timer or do you want me to?”
15.    Ask your children if they would be willing to listen to some important information. This usually arouses curiosity and they feel respected because they have a choice. If they agree to listen, they usually will. Otherwise, you might as well skip the lecture that will fall on deaf ears.

Dr. Jane Nelsen is the author and co-author of 18 books including the best selling (over two million sold) Positive Discipline series including Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, Positive Discipline for Teenagers, and Positive Discipline A-Z. Jane claims her formal education is secondary to the education and experience she achieved from her successes and failures as a mother of seven children (and 20 grandchildren).