Parenting Blog

"Ok, you screamed at your kid. Now what? Unpack your baggage so your kids don't have to carry it.  It's all grist for the mill...The joy of the journey is in the detours." -- Lu Hanessian

As the year turns, and we try to turn over a new leaf, we're reminded once again of our inability to simply will ourselves to change. We are human, after all. 

So today, a reminder about losing it.

We don't have to be perfect parents.  Really.

We just have to seize those opportunities to realize when we're off-course, and find ways to start moving in the right direction. If when you lose it, you use it -- and set a clear intention to make some changes -- then it losing it will have been completely worth it. 

So let go of that heavy baggage of expecting yourself to be perfect.  You never will be, but you're more than enough, just the way you are. You're not expected to be perfect.  You're only expected to keep growing.

So what should you do when you lose it?

1. Get yourself back to calm. Take a deep breath.  Let go of your fight or flight panic, and shake out that stress. Give yourself a big hug and give yourself a loving smile in the mirror.  Beating up on yourself never makes you feel better, and you can only act as good as you feel.  The trick is to switch gears emotionally by finding a more positive thought.  How about: "I'm a good enough parent.  I can make this better with my child right now."

2.  See it from your child's point of view.  Ok, so he was being impossible.  I don't know about you, but I've certainly acted impossible when I'm scared, hurt, or just plain overwhelmed.  We're all sure we're "right" when we're angry, but there is always another way to look at things.  If you can acknowledge your child's feelings, it opens the door to reconnecting.  "Oh, Sweetie, we are both so upset.  I guess you were hoping...."  Nobody has to be wrong.  You can still set a limit and ask your child to comply, while offering your love and warmth.

3. Avoid a Repeat. Later, ask yourself, "What's the one thing I can do so I don't lose it next time?"  

When your child raises her voice, usually that triggers us into fight or flight, and she looks like the enemy.  Instead, can you use your child's upset as a reminder to STOP what you're doing and focus on keeping things from escalating? 

Can you reduce the amount of stress in your life by paring back so you aren't always rushing? 

When you start to threaten your child, can you notice that it's coming from your own sense of helplessness?  And, instead, use it as a reminder to take a deep breath and reconnect?

Commit to doing that one thing.

Remember that apologizing is great role-modeling.

Now, go hug your child.