Parenting Blog

"“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." -- Carl Rogers

"Our wounds can heal and become our source of power." -- Gail Larsen

Sages say that raising children is one of the best paths to enlightenment because it stretches the heart and teaches us to love.  Parents have daily opportunities to dig deep in search of patience  and compassion.  Luckily, we're strongly motivated by our love for our children, so we stretch.

Sometimes, of course, we get stuck.  In resentment, or the insistence that our child should be different.  The good news is that it's never too late to improve things with our kids.  But usually, change needs to start with us.

Next time your child pushes your buttons, consider this:  Maybe this upset has as much to do with your own issues as it does with your child.  Your child may be pushing your buttons, but those buttons were almost certainly installed in your own childhood. 

So what can you do when you and your child are stuck in a bad pattern?

1. Take responsibility for your own feelings.  Sure, her behavior is annoying you.  But that’s YOUR annoyance. Some parents in the same situation might be able to just dissolve the tension with laughter or empathy, because they don’t have a button about this issue.

2.  Remember that taking responsibility for your feelings doesn't mean blaming yourself.  Parents, being human, are never perfect.  And children have an unerring ability to trigger us, expose our wounded places, draw out our unreasonable fears and angers.  Instead, embrace your imperfections with an open heart.  Before we can change, we first need to accept the whole glorious mess of ourselves, as tenderly as we would our squalling baby. Almost magically, as we bless our wounds with compassion, we find that these hurt places inform us, motivate us, make us more compassionate, tender, patient parents. 

3.  Reframe your child's behavior.  Whatever your child is doing,  he's doing his best to meet his needs.

• If he seems to be taunting you with off-track behavior, he may be asking for your help with some big feelings.  (Set a calm, kind, limit and hold him while he cries.) 
• If he's continually challenging your limits, he may be showing you that he feels controlled. (Remember that you don't have to attend every power struggle to which you're invited.) 
• If he's defiant, he's showing you that he feels disconnected from you. (Parenting is 90% connection; how's your ratio?) 

If you can see the situation from your child's perspective, you're more than half way to the solution.

4. Look for win/win solutions.  You're stuck because you're assuming that you're right and your child is wrong.  You can't simultaneously blame and find a solution.  Once you stop trying to make your child "learn a lesson," there is always a solution that works for everyone. (And THAT is a lesson worth learning!)

5. Keep calm and keep connecting.  You're the parent.  Your child is taking her cues from you.  If you can keep your own emotions regulated and your heart open, your child will learn how from you.

Hard work?  Very.  Children give us the perfect opportunity to grow past our stuck places.  Isn't it great to have your very own live-in zen master?