Parenting Blog

When my daughter comes home from school or a playdate and starts acting out, I set the limit: "I know that something must've really made you mad at school today.  I am here to help you or to just talk about it but  you may not smack your brother in the head." ... If I persist,  "Boy, you seem so mad ....Can you tell me what's going on?" ... She will yell "STOP TALKING; I DON'T WANT TO TALK or "QUIT ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE ME TALK ABOUT MY FEELINGS"... I let her know that I am here for her when she's ready to talk.  At bedtime I may try one last time with no luck. She may get up the next morning and the negative attention seeking behaviors are still there and she has to go about her day lugging around what happened yesterday and I was not able to help her sort through it.  She is opening up more and more these last few weeks (since I have stopped yelling!) but at times she still completely shuts down.

When our child yells at us "Stop Talking" or "You always try to make me talk about my feelings!" it is usually because:

She is embarrassed to tell you about what happened. Kids are often embarrassed to tell parents they've been bullied, for instance, because it makes them feel such shame.

OR

She is worried about how you will respond. Will you agree with the teacher?  Berate her for handling the incident badly?  Call the other girl's mother and embarrass her?  Act like she's an idiot who's not capable of solving her own problems?

OR, maybe most often,

The emotions feel so crummy to her that she doesn't want to feel them, so she's trying to stuff them down and make them go away.  If she tells you, she'll feel terrible again as they sweep over her.

Unfortunately, feelings that she can't express will still bother her, and she'll act them out -- for instance, by smacking her brother, otherwise known as "acting out."

So how do we support our child to express the feelings that are making her act out?  (After, of course, setting the clear limit that her brother is not for hitting.)

1. Don't make her talk.  Prying won't help her feel safe. She may or may not need to talk, but she does need to feel safe enough to express her feelings.  Stay available and loving, and set appropriate limits as she expresses her anger, and sooner or later those feelings will bubble up.

2. Get Her Giggling.  Laughter releases the same stress hormones as tears.  If your child will let you start a pillow fight with her, so that you both end up laughing a lot, it's as good as having a big cry.  Once she feels better, she'll be more likely to share what she was upset about, because it won't seem like as big a deal.  But she may not even need to talk about it.  What she really needed was to let those feelings go that were stuck in her belly.

3. Special Time - Often kids use this time to express their upsets, but they often don't need to talk about what upset them -- just to express feelings.  And regular special time builds the foundation of trust and connection, so it  makes kids more likely to take the risk and share their feelings at other times as well.  Here's how.

4. Earn her trust.  Kids are often afraid they’ll create an even bigger problem by talking with their parents. When she does share things with you, do you regulate your own emotions so you don't fly off the handle?  Breathe.  Listen.  Get yourself calm before you even open your mouth. 

5. Find Your Compassion.  If we can get past our anger that she just smacked her brother, and feel real compassion for the suffering she must be in, she'll sense that compassion in our tone.  She may still try to resist feeling her emotions, but once she feels safe, they'll bubble up.  (We all know how this feels.  Think of a time you endured a loss or crisis, and someone you trusted embraced you with compassion.)

Why bother?  You're helping your child develop emotional intelligence.  You're supporting her in solving her problems.  You're creating a stronger bond with her.  And it sure would be nice if she stopped smacking her brother upside the head.