Parenting Blog

"Some parents respond to defiant behavior by trying to force kids to behave or 'take the wind out of their sails.'  Rudolf Dreikurs suggests that instead, 'we take our sails out of their wind.'  We have nothing to lose by withdrawing from this conflict because even if we succeed in overpowering the child, the child will ultimately feel hurt  As a result, he will hurt us back ... by doing poorly in school, forgetting chores, or with other indirect misbehaviors." -- Kathryn J. Kvols

Kids are experts at pushing our buttons.  Before we know it, we're yelling.

But what if you didn’t take action with your child when you were triggered?  Really. What if when you felt irritated, annoyed, impatient, frustrated or angry, you took a deep breath and said:

"I want to think about this before I say anything unfair.  But this behavior needs to stop right now.  Please, everyone be on your best behavior until I calm myself."

Wouldn’t you have a lot more choice about what action you want to take?  Be more able to consider the long-term impact of your words and actions?  Be a better model for your child? 

You can act later, if you want.  
Or even in a few minutes, once you calm down.
But why not try an experiment today, and commit to not acting while you’re triggered?

Our reactions feel so obviously caused by the event – our child’s behavior!

Except they aren’t.  Our intense emotional reactions have more to do with us than the event itself.   Those buttons were installed in childhood and we carry them around inside us like an accident waiting to happen. We don’t always have control over our emotional wiring. But we do--potentially--have tremendous choice about how we react and respond when our buttons get pushed in the Now.

Here’s a simple five-step process to re-center yourself:

1. Name what you’re feeling. Ok, anger.  But what’s under the anger?
2. Create space.  Move away from your kids and take a few minutes to yourself.
3. Shift your emotions.  Remind yourself that they’re acting like kids because they are kids.
4. Respond to the situation with gentle guidance.  Set whatever limits are appropriate.  Enforce them with empathy.
5. Later, when everyone is calm, is the time to teach appropriate behavior.   

 
Don’t be surprised if your children thank you.

P.S. Most of my blog entries, including this one, are taken from the Aha! Parenting Daily Inspiration newsletter, which serves you in becoming the parent you want to be.  To subscribe, please click here.