Parenting Blog

"I like the suggestions in your post "Getting Kids to Cooperate" but I don't like the title ... It reeks a little of coercion and tricking, which your post isn't about...  I think a big thing for the mother in question would be to stop seeing her child's behavior as "bad"... and if the kid skips a bath, it's not that bad." -- MamaPoekie, Authentic Parenting

It's true, of course.  "Getting" kids to cooperate sounds like we're tricking them, which isn't a respectful way to relate.  (And I actually changed the title of that post after getting this note.) Cooperating is something humans need to do to get along with each other.  It comes naturally, meaning we're biologically designed to feel good when we cooperate with each other. (How cool is that?!)

So why don't we think kids will cooperate with our agenda unless we "make" them?  Well, because often, they don't.  For a whole host of good reasons.  Such as:

1.  They don't understand why it matters.

What's a cavity? ..... Why can't I play in the street?.....But I hate the carseat!

Young children don't understand the reasoning behind much of our agenda.  They need another reason to want to cooperate.  That reason is their love for us, the fact that they value their connection to us above all else and will do anything to protect it.  (That gives us an ethical responsibility not to abuse that love by threatening them with the loss of it, through punishment or abandonment, even symbolic.) 

Ok, so they love us but they still won't cooperate.  Why not?

2. They don't feel connected enough to us at that moment. 

Just because we love our child, it doesn't mean she feels strongly connected to us at each moment of the day.  Little rifts erode the relationship unless they're repaired.  Separations (hopefully short ones) occur often.  There is no magic formula to stay connected, but some helpful practices include "special time" with each child every day, reconnecting after we've been apart, and insuring that we have at least seven positive interactions for every negative one.

But even when we do these things, there's another reason children often feel disconnected from us:

3. Strong feelings are getting in their way.  All little ones experience fear, frustration, disappointment, anger, anxiety and other overwhelming emotions every day.  They need to discharge that pent-up emotional energy through physical play, laughter, giggling, rough-housing, or crying.  When they don't, they feel disconnected and alone, cranky and difficult; nothing seems to make them happy.  When they have regular opportunities to process their emotions in the safety of your presence, little ones are naturally sunny and cooperative.  (Yes, even kids who are more temperamentally "difficult."  Those kids just have more, and bigger, feelings, so they need more help working through them.)  

Even a child who was feeling connected may balk at a request that triggers his fears.  Children can suddenly develop a fear of the bathtub, or the dark, or being laughed at in school.  When kids seem unreasonably defiant, fear is usually driving them.

But what about a child who isn't afraid, who was feeling sunny and cooperative and connected, until we made our simple request?  Why won't he do what we ask?

4. Our agenda conflicts with their needs.

It's easy for us as parents to forget that our children have agendas of their own.  And most of us weren't taught, growing up, how to find win-win solutions that respected the needs of everyone in the family.  But there are solutions, and good ones.  Which I look forward to discussing with you tomorrow, when we address some critical questions, including "How should I respond to 'You're not the boss of me!'?" and "Does he really need to take that bath?"