Parenting Blog

"Dr Laura...Things have gotten better since we stopped using timeouts and the occasional spanking, but I can't seem to help my son feel safe enough to stop stuffing his feelings....he goes from trying to hit his sister to yelling at the dog and won't let the feelings out so it happens again and again.  I try to stay close (to help him with his feelings) but he just runs from room to room."

This smart mom knows that her son's misbehavior is a cry for help.  But how can she help him when he doesn't feel safe enough to show her his feelings?  By building safety through play when he "misbehaves." Here's how.

1. When you see your son trying to hit your daughter, or yelling at the dog, intervene in a playful way.  Grab him up and say warmly "What's that?  Yelling at the dog?"  (Or "hitting the baby!?")  "Yes, yes, we can be mad, but No, we can't scare the dog!" ("hit the baby!")

Take him to the couch to roughhouse a bit (kissing him all over or tossing him around), or run around the room with him, chanting "We're mad, we're mad, but we can't scare the dog!"  When you put him down, he may simply bask in your warm attention, in which case that was what he needed -- to feel reconnected with you. You've wrapped him in enough warm attention that you've melted some of those thorny jealous feelings.

But there's a good chance that his feelings are too big for even the sun of your adoration to melt them, and he will take your playfulness as "permission" or a dare, or what it really is -- an invitation to light-heartedly acknowledge his feelings.  In this case, he will immediately head back towards the dog (or the baby.)  That's good!  Your goal is to help him feel safe enough to show you his feelings; being playful defuses the tension.  So as soon as he heads for the dog or the baby, you grab him up and repeat your playful exuberant running around and chanting.

After a few rounds of this, your son may relax and snuggle up to you.  If so, great!  He giggled a lot, and now he's feeling deeply connected. 

Or you may notice that your son is getting a bit frenzied, which means that his feelings are reaching a fevered pitch. Or you may just have had enough. That's a good time to take a deep breath and change your demeanor to one of calm compassion instead of playfulness.  (This is just like setting any other empathic limit, but you've increased your child's sense of safety by playing first.)

2. At this point, stop and put him next to you on the couch or the rug (away from the baby)  and look him in the eye, and say compassionately and seriously, "Ok, Sweetie, no more playing...I won't let you scare the dog...(hurt the baby.)" 

Almost certainly, you will have built up enough of a sense of safety that your child will begin crying.  Move in close and hold him.  If he begins thrashing or kicking, keep yourself safe, obviously.  Get in touch with your compassion for this little person.  Reassure him that he is allowed to have all his feelings and that you will keep everyone safe:  "Sweetie, you are so upset...you are really hurting...I will keep everyone safe...."

3. Experiment with your language.  Some kids need explicit permission to cry: "Everybody needs to cry sometimes...You can cry as much as you want...I am right here."  But many kids get self-conscious when we mention crying, and it works better just to help them feel safe and let them get on with feeling whatever emotions are coming up.  So you can try just saying "I am right here....I will keep you safe."

4. What if he runs into the other room?  He's leaving because it's your warm, loving presence that's allowing the tears to bubble up.  Naturally, he doesn't want to feel those feelings.  So he runs away.  But if you don't follow him, he thinks you don't care. The message you need to give him is that you will always be there for him, even if he tries to push you away with his anger.  So let him regulate the distance between you by saying  "I hear you want me to leave...I will step back just a little, to here."  But then reassure him that you're not going anywhere: "I'm going to stay right here, Sweetie."   Even if he shouts at you to leave him alone, he doesn't mean it.  He desperately wants to reconnect with you. 

5. Welcome fear.  Your son may well have some fear to express, from past spankings or punishments, or simply because small children are afraid many times daily.  When kids feel old fears, they usually writhe and sweat and get red-faced.  They may seem to be struggling more than crying.  They often like to push against you; try not to push back, just to provide resistance.  If he lashes out, obviously keep yourself from getting hurt. He may seem to want to hurt you, but he needs to know that you can help him manage his anger without getting hurt; it's devastating for kids when they hurt us. It is fine to let him push against your hands, or to grab a couch pillow to hold in front of you for him to push against.  Stay connected by using a warm, compassionate, soothing voice, but don't analyze or even say much, except to reassure him that you are there and he is safe.  Usually, after kids get some of their fear out, they collapse in your arms and want to reconnect.

6. Keep the tears coming.  Your goal is to help your son surface his most vulnerable hurts, which are accompanied by tears.  To do this, each time he calms down you can gently remind him of the thing that brought on his upset: "I'm sorry the baby upset you, Sweetie."  You will probably notice him sobbing more when you remind him. That's a good thing, since this is the way into that snarl of emotions. You're helping him loosen them up, feel them, show you the feelings, and let them go.  After he has a chance to "unpack" the feelings that are driving his aggressive behavior, he'll seem a lot lighter and happier, and feel much more connected to you. 

The good news is that you don't have to do anything to make your child "feel" his emotions.  All you have to do is embrace him with warm compassion and adore him, messy, contrary feelings and all.  With your unconditional love, your child will open up to healing, and he will blossom.