Parenting Blog

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

So how did taking care of yourself go yesterday? Did you find a way to make yourself feel happier and less stressed?  (Work out? Take a walk?  Meditate? Pray?)  Can you do that again today? If you're having a hard time fitting this in, think of it as something you do so you can be a more inspired parent.

Today, notice what happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream. When you get upset, doesn't it escalate the situation?  When you can stay calm, doesn't it settle things down? 

Maybe you're wondering how your child will learn not to do such things if you stay calm.  Research shows that when we get upset, our kids get more upset -- and the learning functions of their brains shut down. Kids learn best through a limit given empathically so that it lessens their upset, followed by a problem-solving discussion once they calm down.

And, of course, when kids act their worst it's because they're feeling their worst, which is when they most need our love and intervention.  Spanking, yelling, even timeouts don't give an upset kid what she needs to learn to manage herself.

So what can you do today when your kid makes you want to scream?  Take a deep breath and stay calm. Set a limit as empathically as you can. Connect with your child and help him calm down. Then talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you're mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh?...hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....do you think you could call me for help?")

You'll be amazed when your child starts participating in your "problem-solving" discussions, and even more amazed when she starts using the solutions you come up with, even when she's upset.  Before you know it, your child won't make you feel like screaming.  How's that for creating a miracle?

"When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen.  When they're finished, I climb out."  -- Erma Bombeck

What happens when your kid does something that makes you want to scream? What are your options?

You really don’t have many.  You can scream and then feel remorseful later.  Or you can resist screaming.  In other words, you can escalate the upset, or you can try to stay calm to settle everyone down.

You have more options if you take positive action BEFORE you feel like screaming. Some parents are trying so hard to be patient they let things get out of hand, and then snap.  The key is to set limits BEFORE you get angry.

Often when we lose it with our children, it’s because we haven’t set a limit, and something is grating on us. The minute you start getting angry, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell.  It’s time to intervene in a positive way to prevent more of whatever behavior is irritating you.

If your irritation is coming from you -- let’s say you’ve just had a hard day, and their natural exuberance is wearing on you -- explain that and ask your kids to be considerate.  If the kids are doing something that’s increasingly annoying -- playing a game in which someone is likely to get hurt, stalling when you’ve asked them to do something, squabbling while you’re on the phone -- you may need to interrupt what you’re doing.  Then:

   1. Make a positive connection with your child

   2. Empathize with whatever they’re expressing

   3. Restate your rule or expectation

   4. And Redirect them into positive activity.

Calmly, kindly, cheerfully do whatever is necessary — for instance, sending them outside or into separate rooms -- to keep the situation, and your anger, from escalating.

But what if despite your best efforts something happens that pushes you over the edge?

• If necessary, intervene to move a child out of danger.
• Take a deep breath.
• Consciously speak in as calm a tone as you can manage.
• Say "I need to calm down. I'll be back in a minute" and move away from your child. (If one child was being attacked by the other, take that child with you to keep him safe.)
• Breathe deeply a few times.  Shake the tension out through your fingers. Remind yourself "He's acting like a child because he IS a child." Do whatever calms you.
• Move back to your child and set whatever limit you need to as empathically as you can. Tell your child that you'll talk more once everyone calms down, but right now you need for everyone to take some chill time. Be aware that you may trigger his abandonment fears. You don't have to be in separate rooms.  You can even be on the same couch, unless you're too angry.  Move as far away from your child as necessary to let yourself calm down.
• Later, when everyone’s calm, talk with him about how he might handle such a situation in the future. ("I know you were mad, but we don't throw toys.  Let's sit together and calm down for a few minutes....hmmm...so you were really mad, huh? I see.  I know what it's like to feel that mad.  But toys are not for throwing....hmmm...What could you do next time instead of throwing something?....Do you think you could call me for help? Go out side and throw a ball?  Stomp your foot? What else?")

What if you find yourself screaming before you can stop yourself?  The minute you notice it, just stop.  In mid-sentence.  Close your mouth.  If you do this every time, sooner or later you'll be able to stop yourself before you start screaming.  You'll be on your way to becoming a parent who never screams.  Easy? No. Possible?  Absolutely.  I'll be here cheering you on.