Parenting Blog

"An angry child is one who is quite frightened and sad underneath her tough stance. However small the issue, she feels that something absolutely vital to her is being threatened, and she has no choice but to fight. She also feels alone. As far as she can tell, no one understands her, no one will come to her rescue, and everyone is out to hurt her. Children naturally lean toward affection and companionship. When you see a child fiercely attacking her loved ones, you can assume that she is sitting on extremely painful feelings. She puts up her guard, daring us to care that she is hurt and needs help." - Patty Wipfler

Sam, 2.5, wants something he can't have.  Mom says no.  Sam flies into a rage and lashes out at her.

Mom: (Blocking his hands)  "We don't hurt mummy!"

Sam kicks her.

Mom:  "OUCH!"   That's her funny bone, but there's nothing funny about it.  In fact, Mom feels like kicking him back.  Mom's heard that parents should ignore it when kids hurt us, so they won't "get a response," but she knows better. Kids need our clear, firm limits when behavior is off track, or why shouldn't they repeat it?  And they need our help to deal with whatever feelings are driving their behavior.

Mom: "Sam, no kicking!"

Sam laughs and aims again.  His laugh pushes all of Mom's buttons.  Can her two year old really be enjoying her pain?  She can feel herself sliding onto the low road of parenting, the one where she starts threatening him with the longest timeout he ever had and throws away his toys. 

But Sam isn't laughing because he's enjoying her pain.  His laugh is letting off the tension of his upset feelings.  

Mom sidesteps the kick and steps back, out of reach.  She reminds herself that Sam is tired and hungry and two.  She takes a deep breath and repeats to herself:  "He's acting like a child because he IS a child."  She's working hard to regulate her own emotions.

Mom: (as evenly as she can) "You are so mad."

Sam comes at her again.  She puts her hand out to hold him off and speaks kindly but very firmly.   She's not yelling, which would heighten the drama and escalate the storm.  But she knows that she needs to show Sam she is serious by the intensity of her response: "You are MAD!  But NO kicking Mummy." 

Sam: (Flailing at her) "I NEED to hurt you, Mummy!"

Mom (Mirroring as she fends him off):  "You are so mad you need to hurt? You are really, really mad?"

Sam: (Still flailing, but looking at her now that she's showing him she understands) "MAD!"

Mom: (Looking him in the eye) "Yes, you are Mad!  But no hurting."

With the eye contact, Sam's face crumples, and he begins to cry.  Mom gathers him onto her lap.  He cries and cries.  Finally, he stops, sniffling. 

Mom: "You were so sad and mad."

Sam: "Sad."

Mom:  "Yes, you were sad and mad.  You were hurting inside.  So you wanted to hurt Mummy.  Right?"

Sam stares at her.  Mom knows he's making the connection:  He was hurting so he wanted to hurt.

Mom:  "So you hit and kicked Mummy.  Right?  Ouch!"

Sam hides his face in her shoulder.

Mom: (kindly) "You're hiding your face.  You feel bad that you hurt me, right?  I'm ok.  But kicking hurts.  No more kicking Mummy."

Mom: "You can tell me you're MAD!  You can stomp your feet.  But no hitting."

Sam, still in Mom's lap, kicks his foot against the floor: "Stomp!"

Mom:  "Yes, you can stomp your feet when you're mad, like that.  Stomp!  But what about hitting?"

Sam: "No."

Mom:  "That's right.  No hitting.  Now, I think we're both hungry and tired.  Let's go get a snack."

What has Sam learned? That his mother will set limits on his actions to keep everyone safe, which is a great relief.  That his mom understands when he's upset and will help him with his feelings.  That when he hurts inside, he wants to lash out -- and that he wants to try not to. That his mom cherishes him and cares about his happiness, even when she has to say No to him.  That he's an acceptable person, yucky angry feelings and all.  That feelings can be managed, and they blow over.  And, maybe most important of all, that his mother's love for him is unconditional -- no matter what.