Parenting Blog

Today, we're finally getting to an effective solution for those times when the toddler pees on the baby.  If you missed the past few emails, you can see here why I think spanking or timeouts won't be an effective approach. And you can see here why I think a sticker chart won't work, unless we also address the strong feelings driving this crime of passion. 

"So what's a parent to do?  We certainly can't let him pee on the baby!"

You're right. So let's get to the bottom of this behavior.  All “misbehavior” is an expression, however misguided, of a legitimate need or feeling.  In this case, we can assume our toddler is showing his baby brother who's boss because he's feeling major jealousy.

"Ok, he's jealous of the baby.  He needs reassurance that we still love him.  But I DO spend one-on-one time with him, every day while the baby sleeps.  Just how much more love and attention can I give him?"

Well, it's true that he needs your reassurance, and one-on-one time with you.  But if all your love and attention aren't changing his behavior, it's because they aren't changing the feelings driving the behavior.  Sometimes, our child feels like a bottomless pit; nothing makes him happy.  Or he just keeps acting out, misbehaving, almost taunting us.  In those cases, love and attention aren't enough, at least not in the form we usually give them.

Your son is showing you that he needs his love and reassurance in a different form.  He needs some direct help with the tangled up fears and anger that are driving him to mark out his territory like a small mammal.

Why?  Because when a little one has feelings that really scare him, he tries not to feel them. But fears and grief don't just go away.  First we have to let ourselves experience them, after which they dissippate.

But when we're too scared to let those vulnerable emotions swamp us, we defend against them by getting angry.  We lash out -- maybe even pee on the baby!  (Proving once again that the best defense is a good offense.) So our child is in the grip of strong emotions that he doesn't understand, being driven to behave badly, and just feels like a bad person.  His behavior is a cry for help.

What kind of help?  He needs a chance to rage and cry and show you how much he hurts.  He needs to know that you hear his grief, that you see the heartbreak he has suffered.  Because as much as we parents hate to admit it, when we add a second baby to the family, the older child always loses his place as the only apple of our eye.  Worse, he can't help but wonder if you got that replacement baby because he's simply not good enough. When children lose the love of their parents they risk abandonment and death, so a toddler can be forgiven for his terror when he sees us cooing over the baby. 

Yes, he'll eventually love his brother, but first he needs to know he's not bad for feeling such anger, and he needs your loving attention to experience all the fear and grief he's repressing, so he can move past it.  Without those fears driving him, he'll WANT to please you, and he won't need to pee anywhere but in the toilet. Here's how to help him.

1. Find an opportunity when you have another adult who can care for the baby to help your child work through his fears.  Any meltdown will do, because a meltdown means his feelings are overwhelming him and he's ready to process them. If you set a limit ("No cookie now, Sweetie, it's almost dinner time") and he launches into a tantrum, hand the baby to another adult and move right into the steps below.

2. If your child isn't having meltdowns, but instead is acting angry and defiant, that means he's fending off his tears and fears by hardening his heart.  Help him surface his fears by lovingly confronting his defiance.  "Sweetie, you just peed down the heating vent.  You know that's not ok.  Pee goes in the toilet."  Look him in the eye.  Stay calm.  He will either look away in shame, or straight at you, in defiance.  Either way, move to make eye contact as you reach out for him. "Sweetie, you are showing me how angry and upset you are.  Look at me.  I love you and I see those angry feelings. But I will not let you pee in the heating vent."  At this point, your child will almost certainly refuse to meet your eyes.  He may twist angrily away.  That's because feeling the love coming from your eyes will melt his hardened heart and flood him with all those hurting feelings that he's been hiding away.  Naturally, that scares him.  Keep insisting on eye contact, gently, firmly, kindly.  He will either burst into tears (bingo!) or he'll lash out angrily.

3. If your child gets angry, stay with him.  Hold him if you can do so without getting hurt. Many kids really benefit from pushing against us, or against a pillow we hold up. Sometimes it helps to hold the child in our arms with his back to us, so he is flailing away from us. When little ones are clearing out their fears, they writhe, sweat, struggle and often cry without tears. He may arch his back and throw his head back against you. Obviously, don't let him hurt you and move out of reach if necessary to stay safe. But if at all possible stay in physical contact, and use your soothing voice to keep an emotional bridge:  "You are showing me your big feelings, Sweetie. You are safe.  I am right here.  I am always here for you. It's ok to let all those feelings out. Nothing can hurt you. I am right here."

If he yells at you to let him go or to go away, say "You want me to let go, so I will, and I will step back a little, to right here.  But I am not going away. I won't leave you alone with these big, scary feelings. I am right here."  Every time his struggling starts to diminish, move back in slowly with a warning: "I am touching your arm gently. I am right here to hold you when you're ready." 

If he yells "I hate you," answer "I hear how angry you are, and how much hate you feel right now.  I love you no matter how angry you are. I will always love you, no matter what."

Your child may seem like he is fighting for his life, and he may go on for an hour.  That's how big this fear was to him.  You are giving him a tremendous gift.  Breathe your way through it, and remind yourself that THIS is the help your child was asking for when he acted out. 

4. Honor his grief.  Usually after children express their fears, they collapse into your arms in tears.  In this case, I predict your child will sob like his heart is broken. In a sense it is. But crying in your arms is his chance to let that grief out, and begin to heal it.  Let him cry as long as he wants.  If he stops, make eye contact.  If he has more feelings to get out, your loving gaze will unlock them.  If he's able to hold your gaze, he's let out what he needs to.  


You'll be amazed at how affectionate and cooperative your little guy is after you "hear and see" his feelings. He may fall asleep, or he may go on to have a wonderful evening with you.  (If you've ever felt better after your spouse held you through a good cry, you'll know how healing this is.  Just magnify your adult experience by a factor of one thousand to understand the intensity for your child.)

Notice that what you provided was safety and connection.  Your child did the hard work of releasing his emotions so he could heal and move on. Human emotions are designed this way, unless kids are raised to "stuff" their feelings. You may even see him begin to melt down at every opportunity for a few weeks, now that he trusts your safe presence.  If you can't take time at the moment he launches into a tantrum, tell him "I love you, but I can't listen now, Sweetie. I will listen to all your feelings after dinner."  Or whenever.  Just make sure to keep your promise.  You may have to go through a few sessions, or even a month, of this kind of "witnessing" to help your child free himself of the pent-up emotions that are driving his behavior.  But because you're getting rid of the upsetting feelings that were driving your child to act out, you'll find yourself doing this kind of witnessing less and less over time, even as your child's behavior gets better and better.

Yes, it's a lot of work for you.  You'll have to breathe your way through it each time, and probably repeat a little mantra to soothe yourself.  This may bring up big feelings from your own childhood, so you may need to find an adult who will let YOU vent and cry safely to offload all the feelings this brings up in you.

But wait until you see how much closer you and your son feel to each other.  It's worth every bit of sweat and tears.

Not to mention, he won't be peeing on the baby any more.  I guarantee it.