Parenting Blog

"Dr Laura --  My 4 year old hits my 9 month old. It is very hard to see any danger signs with him as he will push or hit her out of the blue. One minute he is sitting there patting her gently and cooing and then in a flash he will push her over or hit her. There is not much outward anger in his feelings so I struggle to know how to deal with the situation as I feel silly saying to him You are angry or upset when he shows no signs at all of being angry or upset as there is no raging or crying he seems to just do it for the fun of it. -  Belinda

If we saw his anger, frustration, or jealousy it would be easier because at least we could understand that.  But when he acts like a cold-blooded bully, inflicting pain "for the fun of it" or "just because he can" -- that strikes terror into our hearts.  We're afraid that somehow our child is becoming a monster.

But although he is acting monstrously, he is not a monster.  In fact, he is our child, and he is showing us in the only way he knows how that he desperately needs our help.  Children are exquisitely sensitive beings.  When they feel frightened, shamed, or hurt, they need help to process those feelings.  In my last email -- Tougher Than Lion Taming: When your child hits your other child, I described how to help kids with the upsetting feelings that are probably universal to older siblings. 

Most parents, though, never learned how to manage our own feelings, except to numb ourselves through "little addictions" like food or screen time.  We don't know how to help our children with their feelings.  In fact, we find that when our child cries or rages, it pushes all our buttons.  Unbearable feelings swamp us. So we, too, lash out to avoid our own feelings.  Instead of helping our child with his feelings, we punish him.  Or, if we realize that punishment will make things worse, we say sternly "No hitting! Hitting hurts!"  and that's the end of it. 

Except it isn't the end of it, because our child still has all those monstrous feelings.  They war within him against his affection for his little sister. He will pat her gently and coo over her, and to his shock suddenly find himself gripped with the desire to clobber her.  That doesn't mean he's a monster.  It means he's a small child trying to manage feelings that have undone many older humans.  As my son said about his baby sister when he was four, "I hate her. I don't know why. I just do."  (Positive prognosis department:  They're now teens and adore each other.)

So the reason our child has a blank expression is because he is trying NOT to feel at those moments.  What he feels -- the fear that he will lose our love to the baby, the grief of having lost his special place in our family and in our heart -- is so upsetting to him that he can't bear it.  When it starts to swamp him, he lashes out so he won't have to feel it.  The reason his face looks blank is that he is trying to numb himself.

Unfortunately, every time he chooses to push her down instead of pat her gently, his heart hardens.  He deadens his empathy.  Every time we respond with anger, his heart hardens more.  Soon we see only a mask of numbness, the blank expression of a fortress.  How do we reach through that fortress to help our child reclaim his heart and his empathy?  How do we help him manage his emotions so he can manage his behavior?

1. Connect with him in healing ways.  Giving him attention is not enough to heal what's going on.  Any child who repeatedly hits feels disconnected from us.  He feels like a monster and he knows he can't trust us to understand his monstrous feelings.  His cup is empty, but filling it is tough because he can't take in our love while he feels so disconnected from us.  Spending half an hour a day just being 100% present with him is an essential start.  Every other day, let him decide what to do with the time. He will love being the center of your attention, knowing that making him happy matters that much to you.

The other days, tell him that it's your choice what to do with the time, and use it for games that build emotional connection and allow him to express emotion.  There's a whole page of such games on the Aha! Parenting website.  You can also initiate a game of stuffed animals in which a new baby enters the family.  Let him take the lead on all the misadventures that are bound to befall the baby, as it is accidentally fed to the sharks or thrown into the garbage.  Play is nature's harmless way of helping children process their emotions, and anything that gets him giggling is venting some of those same emotions that otherwise cause tears.  Most kids will come up with the games they need: "Let's play I'm the monster and I'm scaring you!"  Ham it up and act mock-terrified. If he doesn't, start a pillow fight (good to get your own anger at him out) and act terrified of him when he comes after you with the pillow.  If he giggles, you'll know you're on the right track.

Every child needs to giggle every day, and a child who hits REALLY needs to giggle about aggression and fear, so any mock aggression games that get him giggling will be very healing and will strengthen your connection to him.  That connection is his lifeline right now, even if he acts as if he doesn't care. 

Another way to help your little guy surface his feelings is to read books that get the discussion going (here's a whole page of books for older sibs about the new baby).  Hopefully these will get him giggling, as the protagonist makes forbidden remarks about how the new sibling is smelly or a nuisance.  But don't be surprised if he hurls the book across the room.  If he doesn't want to have the discussion, you've struck a chord.  Keep going, gently, kindly, firmly.  "You hate this book because sometimes you feel so bad inside about our baby."  You don't need to analyze whether what he feels is rage or jealousy.  He's felt it all.  Just acknowledge what you see:  "You are upset" or "You threw the book; you don't want to read it."   Proceed to Step 2.

2. Help him get past his anger to the tears and fears beneath.  In addition to letting off steam by giggling, any child who hits will need some deeper help with his tears and fears.  You may not like it that your son wishes his sibling had never been born.  You may feel guilty that you've devastated him and ruined his life.  But he's allowed to have his feelings.  In fact, the more we allow and acknowledge feelings, the more quickly they pass away.  When he hits, even if you don't see any sign of a specific emotion, you can trust that his upset is driving his actions.  After you make sure the other child is ok, your goal is to help your child surface his feelings so he can "show" them to you and let them go.  The good and bad news about human emotions is that once we feel them, they vanish.

So move right in close, get down on his level, and look him in the eyes, which are indeed the windows to his soul.  You may see only a blank expression.  Keep breathing and remind yourself that he is a good kid who needs your help, so you can stay kind and calm.  Say firmly, "Come here, Sweetie. Look at me. I know when you hit like that, you have some big upset feelings."  He doesn't want to feel those feelings.  He will squirm away.  Keep the connection. 

As you encourage eye contact, his anger will break through his numbness and he will begin to shout at you how much he hates you, or his sister, or his life.  That's good, anger dissolves the numbness. He will lash out with angry words or even fists.  Don't let him hurt you, reassure him that you are there keeping both of you safe. Tell him it is ok to be angry, that you want to hear more about it.  Stay calm, and kind, and empathize: "Oh, Sweetie, you feel like I am mean, and never understand? I'm so sorry."  You won't need a lot of words, just your own open heart.  

You will probably have tears in your eyes, which is part of what will move him into his own tears.   Once he breaks through to his fear, he may writhe and struggle and yell and sweat.  Eventually, he will be crying in your arms, and you will have your little angel back.

3. Support the part of your child that is doing such brave battle inside, the part of him that is good and true and would protect his sister if anyone else threatened her. Notice every positive thing he does, especially (but not only) in relationship to his sibling, and say what you see: 

"When you showed the baby your toy, she was so happy." 
"You are patting so gently." 
"The baby always laughs more for you than anyone. She worships you."  

4. Encourage the sibling bond to strengthen the part of your child that wants to protect his sibling.  Sit your older child on the couch next to you and put the baby in his lap.  Teach him how to "smell" the top of her head.  Researchers believe that the pheromones given off by the top of a baby's head disable our aggressive impulses, making it more likely that babies will survive to pass on their genes.  The more often your older child inhales your baby's pheromones, the more protective he will be of her.   There are many other ways to encourage the sibling bond.  Play games where the two of them team up against you.  Make a book with photos of them having fun and read it regularly.  Encourage them to make drawings for each other.  Help each one make or buy small presents for the other, even if the baby doesn't really understand what's going on.  Let your older child be important in the baby's life by helping in ways that make him happy.  Give him some "ownership," for instance by saying "Your baby loves it when you...." or "Sounds like your baby woke up; let's go get her."  Reduce rivalry in every way you can think of, such as by saying "As soon as my hands are free, I want to help you with that" rather than "I'm busy with your sister right now, I will help you next."

5. Prevention.  It is our responsibility to keep our children safe.  We might think we should be able to leave the nine month old alone with the four year old, but right now, we have learned, we can't.  Wishing things were different is a disservice to both of our children.  Just don't do it, and stop resenting it.  Train yourself to say, "OUCH! I am so sorry I wasn't here to keep everyone safe."  I'm not saying blame yourself when someone gets hurt, but stop blaming your child, and take responsibility for prevention, just as you would with any other danger.  When he pets her, move in close.  Smile and say "I am right here, Sweetie. I will help you be gentle."  This won't last forever.  Once we help him with his feelings, it will be a whole new world.

Hard?  YES!  Tougher than lion-taming.  But the roaring lion isn't our child.  it's our own feelings that get triggered.  More on that tomorrow.


P.S.  For 5 ways you can help your children develop a great relationship , check out my new audio:  Friends for Life: Nurturing Great Sibling Relationships.