Parenting Blog

I was walking down a NY city street last Sunday when I saw a young family out walking.  Mom was pregnant.  Dad was holding the hand of his two year old son.  The little boy was crying. “Up!” he said. “Up, Daddy!”

“No,” says Dad. “You’ve been up on my shoulders all morning.  You walk now.”  He was literally yanking his kid’s arm, half pulling him along the sidewalk.

The boy cried harder.  I was so glad I wasn’t him.  I was also glad I wasn’t his mom, who was too pregnant to carry him and looked pretty unhappy.  And I was glad I wasn’t his dad, who must have had aching shoulders.

Then I realized that it was early afternoon, and clearly nap time.  Apparently, this boy had been out all morning doing things with his parents.  So naturally he was having a meltdown.  Not a great time for dad to be setting this limit.  Not a great time to be anywhere except home, putting this little guy down for his nap.

Now, I don’t doubt Dad was tired of carrying Junior.  For all I know, he had a bad back, and could have put his back out if he lifted any more.  It’s so hard to balance our needs against our kids.  Who knows what drove these parents to have their tired toddler out on the street half the day, without even a stroller?  Maybe it was important.  Maybe the kid refuses to get into a stroller.  And who am I to judge this dad and his aching shoulders?  

But I do know that moments like this are important in a child’s life, because they teach our kids defining messages.  Like whether the world is a nurturing place.  Whether the child is lovable enough for his parents to care about meeting his needs.  

So my Aha! moment was, There’s always a way to make interaction with our kids into win-win situations.  This dad was making this a contest between his needs and his son’s.  His won.  But there are always other ways to handle situations like this. How?

Well, to start with, Dad could at least not have yanked his kid’s arm half out of its socket.  That wasn't going to make Junior any more cooperative.

He could have empathized, so Junior didn’t feel so alone:
“I know, you are so tired of walking.  We’ve been out all morning, haven’t we?  And your legs are tired, I know.  You wish Daddy could carry you.”

He could have reassured his kid:
“We’re almost home now.  As soon as we get home, I will carry you up the steps.”

He could have helped Junior regroup:
 “Let’s stop here at the deli.  I’ll go inside and get you a cool drink of water, and you can rest for a minute with mom on the bench.”

Then he could have turned it into a game, or distracted him:
“Let’s see how many steps it takes to the corner. " or "Let’s see whether we can beat Mommy home.” Or “I can’t carry you until my shoulder feels better, but Mom and I can swing you some while we walk.  Here, hold both our hands.  Now you count to five.  Every fifth step, we will swing you.

But what happens when there is no way to find a win-win?  When it’s 3am and we’re exhausted and walking the floor with a crying baby, and the only win for us would be to dump the baby in her crib and collapse into bed?

There’s a always a deeper win.  That win is about the foundation we’re giving our child for a fulfilling life.  That win is about transforming our resentment into love and giving our child the blessing of that love.  That win is about teaching our child that ultimately, love is what matters, and she is lovable.

The New York Times recently reported on a longitudinal study of a class of Harvard graduates from many years ago.  The researchers followed these men throughout their lives to study what most affects achievement, success, and happiness.  You now what they found?   The only thing that matters is love.  That's right, good relationships with other people.  What made these men happy and successful wasn't about IQ, family status, money, the jobs they got.  It was the kids who the great relationships with parents and siblings, with peers, roommates, girlfriends, the kids who went out in the world and created good relationships with other people, who gave and received love -- those were the ones who had the happy, successful lives.

So as parents, how do we raise kids who succeed at love and relationships?  They learn everything they need to know from us.
That’s the ultimate win-win.