Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura.....How should I respond when he yells  'You're not the boss of me!'?"  -- Ariel

"The most important parenting skill is effective communication.  If you can effectively communicate with your child, you can move mountains -- or at least get them to clean their room on a regular basis." -- Denise Witmer

No one likes to be told what to do.  And yet research shows that the average parent gives hundreds of orders every day, most in a negative tone.  Orders given occasionally, with urgency and full commitment, are understood by children as serious.  They comply even if they don't understand why.

But giving orders nonstop, or in a negative tone, or without taking the other person's perspective into account, actually triggers "contrary" behavior.  Think about it.  If you worked with a boss who gave you hundreds of negative orders daily, would you "want" to cooperate?

But even respectful, positive parents run up against children who don't feel like cooperating because they're experimenting with their sense of agency.  To grow into capable, responsible people, kids need the experience of being able to impact their world.  We often think of this need as being about achievement, but it could also be understood as being in charge of oneself.  And although we as parents often forget this, all humans, even small ones, are ultimately separate people, who need to protect the integrity of their own "selves."  That's why they're so fiercely committed to "You're not the boss of me!" and "Do it myself!" 

(Those times when they won't do it themselves even though you know they can?  That's because a more primal need -- attachment -- is swamping them:  "Please help me cope, I'm feeling small and overwhelmed right now and need some TLC!")

So how can you respect your child's budding sense of agency, not provoke his resistance, and still get your own needs met? 

1. Pare down your orders to what's really non-negotiable. This will be different for every family.  For me, kindness to each other is non-negotiable, and I enforce bedtime because I've read the studies on how much sleep kids need.  You might be committed to rules about screen time, homework, or jumping on the couch.  But is it really essential that he have a bath?  Why can't he have a sponge bath outside the tub, or (gasp!) even skip washing up for tonight?

2. Look for the needs and feelings driving your child's behavior.  He doesn't always have to get his way, but he does have to get his needs met.  No, he can't hit the baby, but he can get one-on-one time with you adoring him and playing "I love you" games -- which is almost certainly what he needed to begin with. 

3. When your limit is essential, be kind and firm.  If it really is an order, and it's non-negotiable, just say it, without blame, and with empathy for your child's feelings and his competing agenda:

"Hold it! Trucks are not for throwing.  I see you want to throw right now.  Let's find a ball."

"You're mad, but we don't hit.  Let's tell your brother how mad you are that he knocked over your tower.  And then can we all repair it together?"

4. Don't be the heavy when you don't have to.  Naturally any self-respecting child will resist someone lording it over him. Many of your expectations are "house rules;" avoid power struggles by just stating them or pointing to the clock, rather then giving orders.

"Finish your homework first"  becomes "The rule is, we finish homework before we play."

"Go get ready for bed" becomes "I know it's hard to stop playing and get ready for bed; but look at the clock...it's almost bedtime."

5. Give choices.  This sidesteps the power struggle; you aren’t making him do something, he’s choosing. You’re extending the respect of giving him some control over his own life, at the same time that you retain the responsibility for making the decisions you need to as his parent. 

"Clean up those toys." becomes "Do you want to clean up your toys now or after lunch?"

"Go take your bath" becomes "Look at the clock -- it's bath time. Do you want to go now or in 5 minutes?"

6. Point out the effects of her choices in a non-judgmental way that lets her decide her own course of action.

"Leave the cat alone!" becomes "I notice the cat runs away when you pull her tail."

(Of course, if you really think the cat's in danger, this becomes an urgent, non-negotiable order.)

7. Ask questions that give your child the  appropriate responsibility.

"Brush your teeth."  becomes "What do you need to do before you leave for school?"
"Stop squabbling this instant!"  becomes "I see two kids and only one toy. How will you work this out?"

8. Respect your child's right to refuse sometimes.  

"Empty the dishwasher."   becomes "I need your help--Would you empty the dishwasher please?"

Maybe he's studying for a test or only has five minutes to finish building his castle before bath time. If he routinely helps out and has a pleasant attitude about it, why isn't it ok for him to ask for special dispensation tonight?  You would offer that to your spouse, right? Of course, if it isn't negotiable for whatever reason, you wouldn't phrase this as a request.

9. Think Win-Win.

"Stop pouring that water on the floor!" becomes "You want to wash the floor but I'm worried about the mess.  How would you like to wash the patio instead?"

Your child learns problem solving as well as respect by seeing you consider the needs of both people.  Make your problem-solving explicit:

"Mommy needs the rug to stay dry.  But you like to clean with the water and mop.  Let's go out to the patio.  See, everybody's happy now!"

10. Check your attitude.

Notice these aren't "tricks" to get your child to comply with your demands.  They're respectful ways of communicating that help people live together, and also offer your child guidance about developing good habits and getting along with others.

We have a responsibility to be "leaders" and "guides" with our children, but that's a bit different than being bosses and dictators.  Your child will hear the difference.  And you'll see a world of difference in his response.