Parenting Blog

I had an Aha! Moment yesterday,  when I was speaking with a reporter about parents yelling at their kids.  

“Doesn’t everybody yell?” she asked.  And it hit me. Yelling is the new spanking.

Most parents today know that spanking our kids produces worse behavior in the long run.

But yelling? Of course we yell.  It’s just one of those things that all parents do, that we may feel a bit guilty about, but we can't really see a way around, because how else do we get the kid's attention?  Isn’t that just being honest about our feelings?  We aren’t supposed to bottle it up inside, right? That’s not healthy.  And it's for their own good, after all.  They have to learn. They need to know we’re serious.  And it’s not like it hurts them.  They barely listen; they roll their eyes.  And, of course they know we love them.

But the truth is that yelling scares kids.  It makes them harden their hearts to us.  If your young child does not seem afraid of your anger, it’s an indication that he or she has seen too much of it and has developed defenses against it -- and against you. The unfortunate result is a child who is less likely to want to behave to please you. And as kids harden their hearts to us, they become more open to the influences of the peer group and the larger culture. The more often we get angry, the more defended they will be, and therefore the less likely to show that it bothers them.  But whether or not they show it, our anger is nothing short of terrifying to young children, and it pushes kids of all ages away from us.  It practically guarantees that they’ll have an “attitude” by the time they’re twelve, and that yelling fights will be the norm during their teen years.

So I sent the reporter a list of 14 ways parents can manage their own anger so they can stop yelling at their kids. 

The reporter wrote back “You are SOOOOOO good- can you come and move in with me for a week.. pretty please!!!”

I was amused, and flattered, of course, but also a bit demoralized.  I like to think that parents read that list and immediately stop yelling.  This lovely reporter made me realize that most parents, like her, probably think that what I’m describing is impossible.  My 14 steps may sound good on paper, but without me by her side, how could she hope to manage her anger?

I guess most parents do think it's impossible not to yell.  But believe it or not, there are households where parents don't raise their voices in anger to their children.  And I don’t mean an emotionally distant, with-holding, cold household, either, where no emotion is expressed.  We all know that’s not good for anyone.  

I mean homes where the parents are aware enough to breathe their way through their own emotional upsets so they don’t take them out on their kids.  To do this, parents have to BELIEVE that OF COURSE  kids will act like kids – that’s their job --  and the parent’s job isn’t fighting with their child, but helping the kid learn to manage their own emotions so they can have better relationships and do a better job solving the normal problems of life.  

John Gottman, author of The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, has done extensive research on friction in families. He says that the degree to which we can act as "emotion coaches" for our kids, rather than responding to their challenging behaviors with anger, is the degree to which kids are emotionally healthy.

So how do you become an emotion coach? Gottman’s research has identified five steps.
1. Become aware of child/teen's emotion
2. See it as opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically, validate feelings
4. Help child/teen find words to label the feeling
5. Set limits while generating options

That’s all there is to it.  The hard part, of course, is that we get our own feelings triggered in the process of interacting with our child’s upset, and managing our own emotions is a challenge for most of us.  But if we don’t manage them, we end up yelling.

Which brings me back to the reporter.  She KNOWS yelling isn’t helpful.  But she thought she needed me by her side to help her stop.  Her own private emotion coach.

And that was my AHA! Moment.  The bad news is, we all really do need our own private emotion coach to stop yelling.  But the good news is, that we all have one – ourselves!  I often tell parents that our primary job as moms and dads is actually to learn how to parent ourselves and coach ourselves emotionally.  If we can do that,  we’re more available to be constructive and loving with our kids, and being an inspired parent comes naturally.  

The other AHA! for me here is that we all need something we can remember to Do, not just something not to do.  In other words, you may have noticed that it’s more effective to tell a kid “Balls are for bouncing outside” rather than “Don’t bounce that ball in the house.”  We work with the momentum of the energy, and just redirect it, instead of trying to stop it. And we parents, instead of just telling ourselves “Parents shouldn’t yell” might be more effective with ourselves if we use the reminder “The parent’s job is emotion coaching our child.”

That’s the kind of self-coaching that eventually has us realizing that it’s been months since we yelled at anyone.  If you’ve been yelling at your kids, you may wonder if you can ever have that kind of Aha! Moment. But I guarantee you that if you start being your own emotion coach, as well as your child’s, you can. I’ve seen it work.  Not just in my home – it's true that I haven't yelled at my kids in years --  but you don’t have to be a child psychologist to stop yelling.  I’ve seen lots of parents make this transition.  It starts by believing it’s possible, and making a commitment.  Wouldn’t that be a great New Years Resolution?