Parenting Blog

"Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." -- Victor Frankl

"Dr. Laura -- Your emails on how mindfuless makes us better parents are useful, I admit. But I signed up for your email to help me change my kid's behavior, not mine!" -- Gerri

Mindfulness is not about changing anyone, it's about bringing our attention to our experience.  But the magic of loving attention is that changes everything it touches -- us, and also our child.  Because when we change our way of showing up with our kids, their behavior changes. Let me explain.

All parents would like to change their child's behavior at times.  We want our kids to act responsible, considerate, cheerful.  What are our choices?

A. Force them physically to do what we want.

B. Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want.

C. Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want.

D. Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want.

Option A (Force them physically to do what we want) might change the behavior, and there are times when it's necessary, such as when we stop our child from running into the street or clobbering his little brother.  But it only works while we're a lot stronger.  Worse, it doesn't actually help our child develop into the person we're hoping he'll become.... which means maybe we're actually aiming to do something much tougher than changing our child's behavior.  We want to help our child to develop into a certain kind of person -- a responsible, considerate, thoughtful, happy person. Research shows that kids who are physically forced into a desired behavior don't "own" that behavior.

Option B (Manipulate them emotionally to do what we want) can work for a lifetime to impact your child's behavior, as proven by the number of people who routinely use guilt to manipulate their grown children. But it doesn't raise the emotionally intelligent kid you're hoping for  --  and it sabotages your relationship with your child. It's a powerful, but dangerous (and probably immoral) tool.

Option C (Set up the conditions of their life so they're more likely to do what we want) is extremely useful when kids are young.  Baby-proof the house and your child won't break the valuables.  Give her enough sleep and she's less likely to tantrum. Sit with her while she does her homework in elementary school and she's more likely to become a stellar student.  But as kids get older and spend more time away from us, we have a lot less control over the conditions of their lives.  So this tool is essential to help kids learn good habits, but it's not enough by itself.

Option D (Relate to them in a way that makes it more likely they'll do what we want) assumes that our relationship with our child is the most important factor in his or her development, which is what scientists now believe.  Kids do what we want because they care about the relationship and because they don't want to disappoint us.  Because they're more open to our guidance, they internalize all those good habits you're trying to teach and model.  Research shows that kids who have good relationships with their parents become the kind of people we're all trying to raise.

So here's where working on ourselves makes sense.  We all know that negative voice in our heads makes us worse parents. It sends us into fight or flight, and our child looks like the enemy. Mindfulness helps us pause before we react. Treating ourselves with more compassion helps us show up in a different way with our child.

True, our kid may still behave badly. But now we have a choice about how to react.  And that's what determines whether the storm gets escalated. That's what determines whether we get to the needs or feelings driving the behavior, and solve them--so our child's behavior improves. 

Your Child's Action + Your Reaction = the Outcome. Not just today's outcome. But who your child becomes, for all his tomorrows.