Parenting Blog

"Dr. Laura -- I came across your website a month ago and have been trying to follow the advice in your emails.  I am amazed at the difference in my son in just this short time.  Mostly, I try to just stop when I get upset and see things from his point of view. Thank you for helping us stay on track!" -- Madeline

Consider a plant which seems droopy.  Do you yell at it to “Straighten up and grow right!”? Or do you figure out what it needs: more water, more sun, a bigger pot? Kids, like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met, and all of their behavior arises from those needs.  Their strategies often aren't what we'd like.  (Hitting their little brother because they worry you love him more tends to backfire.) But we have to address the deeper needs to change the behavior.  The only way we can do that is to see things from their perspective.

Want to try an experiment?  It takes three weeks to create a new habit.  If you start today, and keep trying every day (you don't have to do it perfectly!) your parenting will be different in three weeks. And I guarantee you will see a change in your child.  Here's how:

1. Say what you see.  Verbally acknowledge your child's existence, activities, preferences, without judgment.  "I notice you're using a lot of blue in your painting today....You really love that breakfast cereal....You like to have a warning before we go somewhere....I notice you're starting to put your face in the water a little bit...You've been working on building that tower for a long time."  Kids need to be "seen" and acknowledged, just for being themselves, and it goes a long way toward meeting their core need to stay connected to us.

2. Make sure you connect warmly, physically with each child, every day, for some snuggle time. This is indispensable.  If your kid is "too old" to snuggle, give him a foot rub or back rub.

3. If you're setting a limit, offer empathy: "I see how mad you are.  It's ok to be mad, everyone gets mad sometimes.  But toys are not for throwing. If you want to throw, you can take a ball outside."

4. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP.  Take a deep breath.  Remind yourself that there's no emergency. Sure, you could have a little tantrum and yell and scream.  You're perfectly justified.  But consider that plant. Will yelling at it help?  With your child, it sabotages all your attempts to build a good relationship. You don't have to respond right now, except if safety is at stake.  Wait until you calm down. No matter how old your child is, your message will be more effective when you're calm.

5. Consider things from your child’s perspective.  Why is he doing this?  What need might be operating? (More down time?  More connection with you?  More of a sense of independence and mastery? More "structure" from you to help him learn to handle something himself?)  Meeting that need is the only way to change the behavior.  If a hurt has been done, your child can think of something nice to do for whoever he hurt to repair the relationship, but resist the urge to punish. Punishment of any kind will create more bad behavior of some kind.

6. Focus on the positive. Kids respond to our energy, so be passionate with your YES! to everything you want to see more of from her.  Every time you appreciate your child, every time you love something about her, you’re giving her the clear message:  More of this, please. She will grow accordingly.

May your next 21 days be filled with miracles, large and small.