Parenting Blog

“Here’s something that fear will never tell you.  You don’t have to feel this way. Fear only tells you about fight or flight.  It never tells you that the mountain in front of you is of your own making.” -- Guy Finley

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom." -- Viktor E. Frankl

Zen Buddhism says mindfulness is the path to peace and enlightenment. What’s mindfulness? Paying attention to your experience in the present moment.

When we pay attention to our actual experience, we notice how our minds often interpret our experience through a lens of fear that creates stress. That stress triggers us to react in ways that make everything worse. We're constantly making mountains out of molehills.

What if you could respond to stressful times with your kids without getting stressed?  Believe it or not, you can. It just takes a little practice. Here’s how.

1. As soon as you feel your hackles rising, stop. Just stop.  This is the hardest step, but the most important.  When you bring awareness to the present moment, you stop reacting automatically.  You give yourself a choice of how to respond.

2. Breathe deeply.  Shake the tension out of your fingertips, blow it out of your mouth, whatever works for you to shift your physical state from fight to calm. I say "Thank you for giving me this opportunity to grow,"  and it calms me right down. Whatever works for you.

3. Once you’re calm, ask yourself: Is there a real problem involving physical danger happening right now, this very moment? Or am I experiencing anxiety, negative thought patterns, catastrophic scenarios? (99% of the time, that's the case.)

4. Notice what thought(s) are in your mind that are producing your stress.

5. Ask yourself: Is this thought absolutely true? (e.g., Is it really true that the baby will just keep crying all night and I won't get to sleep at all? ....Will my son absolutely become an axe murderer because he hit that kid on the playground? ....Will my daughter absolutely fail in school and life because she got this bad report card? ....Am I really a complete failure as a mother because my children are once again screaming at each other?)

6. Ask yourself: Are there alternative ways of viewing this situation that would be not only less stressful, but more useful in meeting my needs and goals? (e.g., The baby probably won't keep crying, and I can take this one moment at a time and just breathe through it, and I can trade off with my spouse so we each get some sleep.......My son is only three, and he was frightened; I can help him learn to handle his feelings more constructively.......My daughter's bad report card means we need to change our evening routines to work with her more.......I am doing the best I can as a mother and all siblings fight, but I do want a more peaceful home; I think I'll read that book on sibling rivalry."  Notice that none of these views involve yelling at your child or berating yourself. Once you calm down and accept the situation, there is always some way to claim your power to change the situation.

Sound hard?  Like any other skill, it takes practice. At first, just catching yourself in time to notice your mind running away with itself will feel impossible most of the time. But if you keep working at it, you'll find yourself laughing as you notice your mind's catastrophic thinking. ("I'm really about to lose it with my three year old because I think I have to prove who's boss?!")

The miracle is that once you bring awareness to that moment, you have the choice of how to act.