Parenting Blog

"If you get up one more time than you fall, you will make it through." -- Chinese Proverb

Do you ever feel discouraged?  You wouldn't be human if you didn't. 

Sometimes we all need a little help to climb out of the holes that dot the landscape of our lives.  Yes, some of these holes we dig ourselves (when we aren't watching!) with our own poor choices. Some come from the pressure and lack of support of our way of life.  Some are just biology -- we wake up tired or cranky.  And some are the gopher holes the universe has a way of putting in front of us to make us pay attention.

But mindfulness can always help us to turn a day like that around.  Noticing each moment is a basic mindfulness practice. Don't believe parenting and mindfulness mix?  Here's how.

1. Notice.  It's easy to wake up snarly and think the world is out to get you. ("Why does he have to be so LOUD first thing in the morning?!")  But what if you made a practice out of checking in every morning to notice your mood?  Just noticing our inner state, stretching, and breathing a bit often shifts us to a more positive place. And often, all our child needs is for us to slow down and really notice him.  Sometimes you can completely shift his behavior and gain his cooperation by attending: "You are so full of energy right now....It looks like you're sword-fighting....Oh, you're a pirate?....Look at you go!....What do pirates like for breakfast?"

2. Accept.  Is the baby shrieking?  Are you cleaning up poo? In a sleepless fog?  In the middle of a loud pirate battle?  Sometimes we just have to be where we are. Accepting the situation without fighting against it ("Why is this happening to me?!") often opens a little window of light.  Just by being more present, we feel better.  And sometimes that's enough to help us make the best of a tough situation, or even transform it.

3. Focus on the positive. Feeling blue?  Honor those feelings by letting them wash over you for a few minutes and breathing through them without thinking or indulging in a story about them. No words, just feelings. Then find a thought that makes you feel a little better, and consciously shift your mood:  "At least he's healthy and full of energy....Once we get to the park, there will be other kids for him to play with..." Throughout your day, keep finding positive thoughts that make you feel a bit better.

When you notice a negative thought, remember that it's just your mind, drawing conclusions that may or may not be accurate.  Our mind's job is to constantly scan and spur us to action, not to help us find peace and happiness -- and the mind is often negatively biased.  When you notice your mind being negative, take a deep breath, try to reframe more positively ("My daughter certainly has integrity when she thinks she's right!")  and find something to be grateful for ("I guess we won't have to worry about peer pressure!)

4. Feed your soul. Find a way to reconnect to the wellsprings inside that nourish you.  Even two minutes sitting in silence without thinking can change your whole day. Can't find even two minutes to yourself?  Just sit down.  Really.  Right in the middle of your messy house.  Sit, and breathe, and give yourself permission to be five minutes late to wherever you're going.  Let the kids climb on you and give them a hug.  Or grab that cranky, loud kid and get moving, outside.  Breathe deep, get those endorphins going by moving, and find even a little patch of nature to bring you back to all that's green and good.

5. Surround yourself with uplifting messages. Research shows that we feel and act based on the stimuli around us, even when we don't think we're affected.  If your kids are screaming, maybe you can channel all that energy into a game in a different room? Or put on dancing music and have a party with them?  Or take them outside?  Or turn off the TV, put on some soothing music, and sit down with them with paper and washable markers?  You'll be amazed how fast the mood in your house changes. While you're at it, stay away from anyone who wants to complain and tell you about their terrible day. Instead, keep inspirational books handy and read a page or two several times during your day.

6. Give what's missing.  It's hard to give when you feel depleted inside. But here's another practice that can shift things.  Did you know that you can change any situation by offering what's missing?  If you want your children to listen better, slow down and consciously connect with them.  (Kids can't listen to us until they feel heard.) If you're feeling unloved, give your child some extra snuggles at bedtime. One of the amazing secrets of life is that extending our love to others feeds us, too.  It's tough to extend love when we feel unloved ourselves, but that alchemy of transformation, of creating love where there wasn't any, is one of the ways we grow spiritually and heal ourselves and our world.

7. Say YES! Make peace with the mess. Life isn't tidy.  It's full of gopher holes.  But that's how we grow.  You can either spend your days with a chip on your shoulder, or you can say YES! to the whole imperfect mess, including your all-too-human self. Next time you step in a gopher hole, take it as a reminder to practice shifting into a more positive state.  Shrug, take a deep breath, and smile.  Laugh a little.  Play a little. Live a little. Maybe even a lot.