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"Your website does make me feel I can do better, maybe even stop yelling if I can just get enough sleep. But here is my question. Does it really work? I love my kids, but staying patient when they act up is hard. That's not how I was raised. Maybe I can stay calm during a tantrum, but I'm no saint. If I do all this, will my kids really act nicer and listen better? Or will they just take advantage of me being nice, and act even worse? No offense, but it's easy to give advice. Mostly on your website people ask for advice and you give it but we don't hear whether it works. It would make my day if there are parents who try to do all this and it actually works." -- Lindsey
Lindsey is right.
Giving advice is easy.
Staying patient when our kids act up is hard.
Empathizing with our child when we just want him to cooperate is hard.
Breathing our way through a meltdown is hard.
Managing our own emotions is really, really hard.
And yes, it is so much harder if we're sleep deprived, as parents so often are.
But when we do the hard work--to stay patient, to see it from our
child's point of view, to stay playful--we change. And our child
changes.
And I know from personal and professional experience that we don't have
to be saints. There's no way to be a perfect parent, and lots of ways
to be a good one. We just have to try, and our intention makes a huge
difference. Sometimes we have the internal fortitude to stay calm
during a tantrum, which models emotional regulation for our child.
Sometimes the best we can do is make amends, reconnect, and try again
tomorrow. The miracle is, that's enough. Love actually works.
So will you help me make Lindsey's day?
Will you hit REPLY to this email (or leave a comment if you're reading
it as a post), and tell me if doing this hard work has made a difference
in your child?
It might be a recent incident in which you were able to stop your own meltdown and reconnect with your child.
Or you got your child back on track by seeing things from his perspective.
Maybe you allow feelings at your house now, and you noticed yesterday that your child is less rebellious.
Or you saw your older child be empathic to your younger one.
Or maybe you're better at taking care of yourself now, and you're enjoying parenting more.
Maybe you're even like the mom I heard from last week, whose five year
old said she was thankful for a mom who doesn't yell any more.
Whatever your story, large or small, it's a testament to your hard
work. Please share it, the more specific the better. I'll be posting
them (no child or adult names, edited for space) on my website, as a
gift to Lindsey and all the other parents who just need to know all this
hard work is worth it. Once the page is up, I'll send out the link.
Thank you. For taking the time to support other parents. For your
commitment to being the best parent you can be. For making Lindsey's
day.
And for sharing your miracles, large and small.
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I was a little floored... she HAS seen my better ways, she has experienced my empathy for her and her melt downs and she is able to become a partner in the quest for balance and carry me when I need a little help in my day. It was a beautiful moment, made
possible by constantly striving for more love and appreciation.... so that when we DO have our bad moments, its not so bad.
I was not raised withe timeouts at my moms house. nor spanking. and mostly no yelling. I mean my mom wasnt perfect. Im sure we got on her nerves a lil and she was always stressed. So I say mostly no yelling. He is now 3. I cant tell you how happy I am I found
this type of parenting.. And now that I have proof.. I can do it and not feel 'weird?' about it cause my husband grew up in a very hostile environment. Hitting (more like beating.. He has the scars to prove it) belittleling to its finest. ect. And it does
come out in him every once in a while, NOT to that extent though. but he notices it and doesnt want to be like that. and stops dead in his tracks and walks away. Anyways kinda off topic. But I SWEAR it works and best thing I have ever done. Just try it. Trying
it wont hurt anything.. Im not saint either. nobody is. Just take a breath and jump in. Starting something is always the hardest part. I am a better parent and my children seem to be better children. more stable I guess.
am saying. When I approach him in a more civil and calm manner, he listens to what I am saying. With my 7 year old sometimes I have to take the whispering approach because he seems to not hear very well... (selective hearing...) Also, if I try talking to them
in a calm manner and they don't seem to respond all I have to do is say "would you rather have crabby Mom tell you?" That seems to do the trick most of the time. I also believe God wants us to be patient, kind and loving mothers, so I try to remind myself
often!
they aren't and they didn't. So I stopped trying to manipulate them and am continuously working on treating them as person's who's needs are just as important (not more or less) than mine. The first week was HELL. The didn't trust me that I was really not
going to resort back to rewards and punishments. We continued to grow and learn and trust. We are all doing much better now. My little mirrors reflect back to me when my behavior is not something that I want to see and I change and then they change. Much peace
and love to all of you.
a pillow or something, and I was really yelling. He fell apart, starting sobbing, then said, "I can't fall asleep!" I realized he was totally following my lead. I took a very deep breath. I connected with myself, and tried to sort out my own feelings (I was
annoyed he wouldn't go to sleep on my schedule, exhausted & feeling sick, and wanted an easy bedtime routine). Then, I tried to sympathize with him (he was frustrated, too, and really wanted to sleep, and was scared by my loss of control). I looked at my son
and said, "I can manage my feelings, even when I feel I can't. I'm going to take a breath. Can I have a hug?" He hugged me so tightly and cried. I felt like such a better parent at that moment. It still took an hour for him to fall asleep, but we snuggled
and helped each other. So, I say this works. It makes me feel more empowered and calm, and I see the difference in my son. Just keep trying.
when I felt deeply connected so that when we have rougher times I can go back to that moment and remind myself that I am a good mother. My son is 3, I started to struggle when he was about 20 months, we had several power struggles, I was giving him time outs
for throwing tantrums and just this morning I was thinking I don't remember the last time he threw a tantrum, not every day is perfect but I can tell he has learned that I am ok with him having feelings and more and more he will tell me with words what he
is feeling or what he needs, the other day I was amazed when he told me he needed a hug, that was a great day over here! I did seek therapy though, it almost has been a year and there has been lots of improvements.
when he hit his sister, and a lot more talking through the issues/emotions. I find it a major struggle every day - I am a shouty lady but I can't say enough the peace of mind it gives me to have a clear plan that is punishment free (if that is the right phrase)
to handle those tough times (even when I don't do it as well as I should)and I have seen my beautiful boy return to a chilled out, non hitting, gentle wee guy again. He still yells (as do I) but he shouts "I'm so frustrated Mumma, I need a hug!" Until I started
I felt like I was floundering and to be honest failing badly as a mum - time outs just weren't doing the trick. And my boys behaviour definitely reflected that. We still use a "You look cross maybe it would be good to have some quiet time to relax and think"
strategy and he is starting to take himself off and manage himself now. LOVE IT!!!
when I felt deeply connected so that when we have rougher times I can go back to that moment and remind myself that I am a good mother. My son is 3, I started to struggle when he was about 20 months, we had several power struggles, I was giving him time outs
for throwing tantrums and just this morning I was thinking I don't remember the last time he threw a tantrum, not every day is perfect but I can tell he has learned that I am ok with him having feelings and more and more he will tell me with words what he
is feeling or what he needs, the other day I was amazed when he told me he needed a hug, that was a great day over here! I did seek therapy though, it almost has been a year and there has been lots of improvements.
or such is needed. I believe she is just the way she is and there really isn't anything "wrong" with being fiercely independent-minded. I do, however, want to help her to better integrate with all the rest of us who care about feelings we've hurt, etc. In
doing so, I found this website. While integrating Dr. Markham's teaching (and others I've found via Facebook shares, etc.), I've gained much more than knowledge...I've regained long-lost patience, acceptance for who she is (and is not) and my own empathy skills
towards her. Her response to my changing of ways has ignited my resolve & desire to try again (sometimes even restarting in the same day or conversation!) My heart bursts with love when we seek out hugs from each other when times of disharmony have occurred.
I want to do a dance of happiness when I've ducked the assault that came at me and can still respond with an attitude of acceptance for what she's expressing and a heart that hasn't shielded myself from her, as I did in the past. In turn, she doesn't feel
she has to defend herself from me. She has allowed talking things through and considerate action to prevail more often than not, and that feels huge! Rather than seeing her actions, behavior and such through dirty glasses (as I think of my previous thinking),
I am reminded that what is happening is just what it is...it is me who "puts a spin on it" and changes what I perceive to be happening. She is a child (only X amount of days old as I've taken to reminding myself!) She is doing the best she is able to with
her natural temperament, the abilities she possesses and the environment that is around her at the time. And, so am I. Thankfully, each day I am getting better at slowing things down, bringing us all back into a place of love and helping us to move forward
together, whereas, in the past, she might have felt left behind as the 3 of us like-minded people just continued on.
they need, and why they are behaving in certain ways. My son, now 4, can be very controlling and wilful, and I really did find that once I threw out the reward and punishment approach, and took this direction, the fighting and power struggles became less and
less over time, and I no longer ever feel the need for things like time outs, and am so glad, mainly for my son's sake, that I turned my back on those methods. Have confidence in yourself and in your children.
and my 2 year old threw her arm up to hit her, stopped for a second and said "I feel jealous!" Now weeks later she for the most part has stopped the aggression towards her sister. When she tells me feels jealous I find ways to include her and help her work
through the feelings.
into my shoulder. When she had calmed a little, I asked her, "Are you feeling angry that I took the toy away from you?" "Yes, I'm angry," she nodded and sobbed a little more. After a short time, she looked up at me and said, "I love you". We kissed and moved
on. Later that evening, I mentioned how big she is getting. She nodded and said, "I still cry sometimes." "I cry sometimes too," I replied. She nodded, "It's ok to cry."
my husband always had a different way of doing things (from his upbringing). It got very bad. It's taking a long while to get back to what we used to have, but we ARE getting there. It DOES work. I was talking with the counselor in his school the other day
and she said he is very aware of and able to verbalize his feelings - more so than many adults! It helps, it does. It helps to share with our kids what we are going through. To show them when we make a mistake. (certainly w/in their understanding). Hang in
there. And, yes, they may very well act worse before they act better! (It doesn't all happen all of a sudden as in some stories.) Just keep doing it. Keep working at it. I even have hope that my husband will come around (after 40 years of doing things his
way)!
we see the "fight or flight" and the power struggles and as soon as we pull back the switch in her is amazing to watch.
in a bratty, selfish, entitled, walk-all-over-you kid, i would drop it like a hot potato and look for something else. thankfully, i don't have to, because i find just the opposite. my daughter is almost 9, we have a great connection, and she is thriving and
a pleasure to be around. that's not to say i do it "right" all the time -- i don't, i lose it plenty, i fall off the path on a regular basis. when i do i correct, i apologize, and i say how i hope to do it next time. yesterday my daughter got upset about something
and stormed off into her room. 15 minutes later she came out, crawled into my lap and said 'mom, i'm sorry i yelled at you. it's not your fault, i just had a bad day today at school, and i took it out on you. that was wrong of me. next time i will try to talk
to you about it first, or hit a pillow, or something. i love you and that's not how i want to treat someone i love.' i about fell over! it took me 40 years to learn how to do that (access my emotions, apologize, take responsibility, etc.) and she already does
it better than me at age 8! deciding to consciously parent differently than how you were raised is one of the toughest, transformative, and ultimately wonderful things you can do. hang in there, lindsey, IT WORKS.
the threads of our being. I not only notice that when I am determined to effectively parent through empathy and emotional intelligence, I am closer with my children and I feel much better about what would normally make me feel frazzled and overwhelmed. I've
shared similar moments where when I get upset, my child (3 years old) tries to help me understand my feelings and expresses to me how my yelling made him feel. My motto has become - when they are acting their "worst" love them THE MOST - because that is when
they need it. You have a great deal of support here from imperfect people who are daily fighting the same battle. Keep at it and never feel alone.
to..." and INSTEAD just PAUSE and say "(Name)... I love you." Being mindful truly puts my moment in a better context of what is important: connection. Best part: now both my kids spontaneously do the same thing! How heartwarming to hear "MOM? I love you,"
out of the blue, not "MOOOOOM! I need...". Also, lets me know I'm doing something right, teaching this spontaneous expression of love and appreciation. ♥